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1. that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
2. They kept trying to slap each other but they were pouring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
3. There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
2. They kept trying to slap each other but they were pouring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
3. There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
1. Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
2. Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
3. look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a stupid, drunken moose
2. Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
3. look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a stupid, drunken moose
1. we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
2. They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas
3. It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
2. They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas
3. It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
1. so high just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
2. The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
3. "Not my type?" One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time?
2. The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
3. "Not my type?" One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time?
Edited 2017-05-06 02:49 (UTC)
1. did i just pee glitter
2. The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
3. four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
4. do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
5. What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at school
2. The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
3. four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
4. do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
5. What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at school
1. There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
2. Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
3. Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
4. Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
2. Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
3. Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
4. Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
1. ...she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
2. Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
3. It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
4. and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
2. Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
3. It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
4. and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
1. Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
2. Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
3. whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
4. He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
2. Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
3. whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
4. He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
1. Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
2. hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
3. josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
4. Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
2. hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
3. josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
4. Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
1. So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
2. Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
3. fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
4. At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
2. Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
3. fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
4. At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
1. As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
2. You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
3. Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
4. I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
2. You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
3. Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
4. I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
1. So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head
2. Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
3. Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
4. I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
2. Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
3. Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
4. I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
1. Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
2. My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
3. if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
2. My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
3. if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
1. Remind me tomorrow that nothing happened between me and the guy who's shirt I'm wearing
2. Did you pay your friends to not make fun of me?
3. He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman can't fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
4. You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants.
5. I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
2. Did you pay your friends to not make fun of me?
3. He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman can't fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
4. You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants.
5. I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
1. i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
2. Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
3. Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
4. I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
5. Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
2. Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
3. Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
4. I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
5. Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
1. You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
2. After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
3. Shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
4. No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
2. After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
3. Shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
4. No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
1. it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
2. somebody snuck up and got me drunk
3. just come out here and I will go home with you...
4. hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
5. You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
2. somebody snuck up and got me drunk
3. just come out here and I will go home with you...
4. hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
5. You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
1. you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
2. It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
3. We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
2. It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
3. We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
1. some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
2. You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
3. Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
4. I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him existing.
5. Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
2. You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
3. Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
4. I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him existing.
5. Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I thought we managed to establish that from day 1...
Ok then...
So you're still drunk.
So you're still drunk.
I don't think there's anything ridiculous about it.
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