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Alex hadn't been able to get his conversation with Amos out of his head for days. They were both worried about Holden, but they had very different ideas on how to help, and their last conversation went weird. "He just needs to get laid," Amos had said bluntly. "Then maybe he'll actually sleep."

Alex couldn't remember now what he'd said in reply - probably blowing off the idea (no pun intended) and scoffing, changing the subject. But now it was lodged in there he couldn't get it free again. Because Amos wasn't wrong. The captain looked terrible, like he forgot what the word sleep even meant, and it wasn't getting any better. Even trying to make good grub went no where. Their family was already getting too small, with Naomi gone and Prax back on Ganymede, and Alex hated to see how it effected Holden.

So the idea had been wiggling into his head for days, before an ill timed nightmare about Shed had Alex heading for the galley at all hours of the morning, only to find Holden there. He wished he was surpsised.

"You're gonna have to skip the machine and just take the coffee intravenously, eventually."

There's plenty that keeps Holden awake at all hours of night and day, honestly, the hours start to blend and it almost becomes hard to remember what's what. It'd been easier with Naomi. He didn't sleep that much more but the walls didn't feel like they were closing in on him when she was there, his mind didn't replay everything that had happened quite as much. She'd dulled it for him and he missed her -- for more reasons than that. The Roci isn't the same as it is. Naomi and Prax not being there felt like constant reminders of all that had been lost, the things sacrificed.

More often than not, the dead kept him awake, kept him from staying still for too long. Coffee had turned into more than something he enjoyed, to something that he used to try and chase away his demons.

"That'd defeat half the purpose of drinking coffee."

"So you're not just usin' it to keep awake indefinitely?" He asked, slightly teasing as his eyebrows raised. "Coulda fooled us."

He means him and Amos, not him and the Roci. Which hasn't been all that clear, lately - Alex has been throwing all his spare time into the ship, figuring out ways to cope just the same as everyone else. But sometimes he feels like he's the only one who actually wants to be there - he keeps catching Amos and Holden with their heads off somewhere else, lost in their own thoughts or their own loss. And it isn't as if Alex doesn't have his own loss - Talissa now filing for divorce, Bobbie having headed back for Mars - but the divorce was a relief more than anything (which makes him feel a bit like an asshole), and his connection with Bobbie just wasn't the same as it was with Naomi and Holden or Amos and Prax. He missed her, sure, but he understood her need to be with the marines better than anyone - it echoed his need to be here, on this ship. He wasn't enough of a hypocrite to begrudge her, for it. So sure, he was lonely, but most of that came from the fact that neither Amos or Holden offered much in the way of company, right now.

Which might be another thing, he could fix, if he just--

Damn it. Was he seriously considering this?

He stepped over to the coffee machine less because he wanted some and more because he needed something to do with his hands, something to fiddle with so he didn't immediately give away the fact that he was suddenly feeling oddly nervous.

"Go on, then. Enlighten me as to the real reason you've replaced sleep and probably food with liquid bean extract."

Holden moves to lean against the counter as he watches Alex start making himself some coffee. He takes a drink of his own. He knows that he hasn't been the best captain lately, he's distracted and has a number of problems on his plate and really no idea of how to fix them.

"I haven't replaced sleep," Holden says, he sleeps, just not a lot and hardly enough to make any difference at all. It's hard to answer the question more honestly. It's not really what he's good at, talking about himself much. "Holding a cup of coffee just relaxes me," it's a comfort thing and a crutch but he's not going to say that or that he doesn't want to lay still long enough to have the world catch up to him.

"Shouldn't you be trying to sleep about now, not trying to stay awake?"

Already called out, but as they said, in for a penny, in for a pound - might as well explain why he was awake.

With a rolling shrug, he said, "Nah. Won't be sleepin' again tonight. Had that dream about Shed." He didn't explain further. He might not talk about it, but he figured Holden would understand. He might not have been there, when Shed's head had been blown off, but he'd seen the body, afterwards.

There was a pause, as the coffee dripped into the cup, and then, almost casually, he added: "There's more relaxin' things than a cup of coffee, Cap."

Holden stopped drinking for a moment, his brow furrowing as he lowers the cup. "That would make it hard to sleep."

He goes back to taking regular sips of the coffee, his mind starting to wander to the things that happened in what almost felt a lifetime ago. Before he can get too deep down the rabbit hole of questioning his choices and the things he could have done better Alex says something he can't ignore.

"Not so sure about that," Holden chuckles, at least not on the Roci right now.

Alex mostly tries to do his best to not think about it. But when that dream comes up, he knows if he goes straight back to sleep, he'll just have it again. Better to wait it out.

The coffee finishes and he pulls the cup out of the machine, turning around and leaning back against the counter.

He had no idea what the hell he was doing, but his mind was locked on this idea - this plan - and it wasn't going to leave him alone.

"Maybe not a lot of things," he admits with a slight shrug. "But a couple. Usually just requires a little help, is all."

God fucking save him. He swallowed, then raised his eyes to meet Holden's. "... And I think you could really use something to relax you, so figured that maybe-- maybe I could help."

Alex seems to be dancing around some specific point with an indirection that flares up a little bit of annoyance in Holden. The lack of sleep and overabundance of caffeine in his system can make the smallest things push against the grain but he won't say as much to the other, at least not yet. He still can reign in his temper most days.

"Do you have something specific in mind or are you just making a vague offer?"

If Holden didn't try to make Alex cut to the chase he might be there a while listening to Alex go on and on. He gives him an expectant look, setting down the cup of coffee that is unfortunately empty once more.

He has the decency to look a little sheepish, raising a hand to rub at the back of his neck for a few seconds.

He had two options - make something up, say he meant a massage or something, and back down off the idea altogether, or suck it up ( pun not intended ) and tell Holden what he really meant.

He hesitated a little too long for option one to really be an option. Oh well. So he let out a breath and met Holden's eyes with an almost apologetic look. At least he knew he was mangling this.

"Somethin' specific. Figured - look -- I thought you could probably use a blow job." It sounded crass and it made a heat rise to his cheeks, but god damn it, he was in it, now. "That an orgasm or two might take the edge off. That's what I meant." See? He could be blunt. Sometimes.

Of all the things that Holden would have guessed would come out of Alex's mouth, this is not among them. It reeks of something Amos would have had an idea about and Holden has half a mind to either ask Alex about that or go give Amos a reminder that he should mind his own business.

"You thought I could use a blow job and you think you can help with that?" Holden says, raising his brows as if waiting for Alex to contradict him.

It's true enough he hasn't really had much of any sexual gratification since Naomi left. He's tired and there's always something else to be thinking about or doing. "This your idea?" he ends up not being able to leave that alone.

If Alex were a cat, his heckles would be raising, but thankfully as a human all that happens is he stands up a little straighter.

"That's right." Not contradicting. "And it was my idea. Amos probably would have ordered hookers." Sure, the idea had been sort of initially brewed thanks to Amos, but it wasn't like the other man had suggested Alex should do anything about it.

His eyes slid away. "I don't know about you, but that just ain't the same, and I don't think any of us have any interest to turn back to port just to gets our dicks wet." It was getting easier to be crude - turned out nothing really sounded as bad, once you offered a guy a blow job. "Especially if it ain't gonna be satisfying. At least if I do it, you know it's cause I care about you."

He did. He cared about all of them, even more than his family back on Mars, for whatever good it did him. But at least it meant he sounded earnest.

Edited 2018-06-06 04:53 (UTC)

Holden gave a nod and he shrugged, the closest to an apology about that, that he was going to get. He definitely doesn't have any intention of wasting time going to port for something that's not even remotely important to him. They have things that are more important going on and none of it was really easy.

It's still a strange offer and Holden's never been in this particular situation, blunt offers of casual sex acts not spawned out of sudden tension is weird. And something about it bugs him, not because it's Alex exactly, at least, it's not that Alex is willing but the whole situation makes it feel... every word that comes to his mind is sentimental and he inwardly groans and shrugs it off.

"I know you care about me but that doesn't mean you want to blow me. You don't have to do that kind of thing for me."

"It ain't exactly a sacrifice, hoss," he replied, and he could feel the heat rising under his skin. "And it ain't exactly born of altruism. I wouldn't offer if I didn't think that I'd - that I'd enjoy it."

Christ, he wished he could crawl into a hole. Why'd he ever think think this was a good idea? But there wasn't room for backing down. He gripped his coffee cup between his hands, utterly untouched.

"Trust me, this ain't an impulse offer. Been thinkin' on it for a while now, and the more I think on it, the more I--" he cut off, the words getting too close to a confession. He cleared his throat, and forced himself to meet Holden's eyes.

"All I'm sayin' is that I want to. But if you don't, tha's fine - I won't mention it again."

Edited 2018-06-06 12:04 (UTC)

It surprises Holden, though he'd be hard-pressed to explain why and he actually doesn't know what to say at first, as Alex kind of flounders on. Later, he'd probably find this whole thing a bit funny but the humor isn't there just yet.

Instead of saying no, he shifts so that he's facing Alex more directly, studying him. "You've been thinking about it?" he goads, but then he decides he should probably put Alex out of his misery before he never stops talking.

"My place or yours?" a small joke made out of his own answer.

Probably for the best - if he had to start explaining it now, they'd both be here for hours, and nothing would make any more sense than it did at the beginning, and somehow the Rocinante would factor in and he'd end up trying to draw metaphors about people and ships and gravity wells and it would be a disaster.

Not that this didn't already feel a bit of a disaster. Or it did, until Holden made a terrible joke, and Alex's eyebrows raised, eyes widening a bit. He had been expecting a sigh and a 'go back to bed, Alex', at the best, so to say he was surprised was putting it mildly.

"Uh--" Great, look, now he's speechless. That's rare. He raised a hand, before gesturing back behind him with a thumb.

"Well, mine's closer." Also, didn't have Naomi sleeping in it, a couple of months ago.

Telling Alex to go back to bed would have been a wise decision. Somewhere in the back of Holden's mind he knows that he's stepping into a minefield of things agreeing to this with Alex of all people. All the same, Holden is clearly amused that Alex seems struck speechless even if it doesn't last very long.

"What are you still standing there for then?" Holden prompts after that, an agreement to go to Alex's quarters. It's the better choice all around Holden knows. His room still has the ghost of Naomi and well he's too used to his own thoughts taking him over there. A change of scenery, albeit, slight, might do some good as well.

If Alex hesitates Holden will lead the way.

He does hesitate - but only for a few seconds - and he catches up fairly quickly. He doesn't say anything (the speechlessness still mostly applying), as his mind raced ahead of him. He hadn't totally thought this part through - every time he thought about it, they were just already at it - and now he was suddenly trying to come up with a game plan to get there in the first place.

So he was uncharacteristically silent, hitting the panel to open the door, letting Holden go in first, and then heading in after him. If he gave a quick check for Amos, it was understandable. Last thing he wanted right now was for the other man to make him more nervous about this than he already was.

Alex's room was sparse - there wasn't even a photo of Melas. That, he kept in his pocket, despite the fact that his mother was on it, too. The marriage was over, and she probably hated him, but she was still the reason he had Melas at all. So he couldn't bring himself to feel completely untethered from her. But she'd never been here - never been on the Roci. So her ghost, though it always followed him, was far dimmer than Naomi's may have been.

Right now, though, his mind was no where near Mars. It was entirely focused on Holden, and how exactly to get his clothes off. Were there rules, to this? Was there supposed to be banter or did they just go for it? He clearly didn't know what to do with his hands, reaching out towards Holden's zipper before halting, hovering in the air, shooting a glance at Holden, as if he expected Holden to give him orders on this.

There's only a cursory glance around the room before his attention is back on Alex, who's oddly quiet still. It didn't take long to figure out that he hadn't thought about getting this far. This is so different from what Holden's been used to, for well a while. There's no established rhythm, there's no heat of the moment action that spurs it to start.

It had been Alex's idea but Holden had agreed to it so now it's their idea. But the whole situation is one that's still a bit hard to grasp. He doesn't know what the rules are for this, what Alex has thought about. A blowjob had been put on the table but it felt too weird to jump straight to that. So, instead of telling Alex to get on with it, or reaching to pull his hands forward, he says quickly, "I'm going to kiss you."

Holden doesn't give much more than a chance for Alex to say 'no' before he leans in to do just that, his hand resting on the side of Alex's neck. The kiss intended to be experimental, exploratory really.

"Yeah, okay that's pro--" He had been about to say 'probably a good place to start', but Holden hadn't actually given him enough time to get the words out before he's doing exactly what he said he would, and the rest of the word gets smothered beneath Holden's lips.

He wasn't sure what he was expecting, really. Awkwardness, at this point - half expecting just not to feel anything at all, and then feel stupid and embarrassed. But instead his heart restarts after skipping a beat he didn't even notice, a strange tingle of energy running down his spine.

He tasted like coffee.

There was a sound like half a chuckle at the back of his throat, and then he closed his eyes pressing into the kiss, hand finally falling to Holden's chest, fingers curling in the fabric though they did nothing else. Just finding a grip to anchor himself with.

[ I wrote this in spurts on my phone so hmu if something doesn't make sense ]

Holden can easily fill in the blanks of how that sentence was going to end so he doesn't feel too bad about interrupting. The situation is a strange one and in Holden's opinion the easiest way to get past that is to just stop talking about it. It's easier for him not to think about it too much that way too.

Kissing Alex is definitely something different, the facial hair and lips not quite as soft as Naomi's and the fact that kissing Alex had never crossed Holden's mind. It's not that Alex isn't attractive but from Ade to Naomi and then well... He didn't have much of a mind for romance or sex. Besides that, fraternizing within the crew has never been the wisest of decisions (and yet he keeps falling into the habit).

But now that they are kissing, it's not bad. He tries not to think past that, thinking doesn't exactly lend to relaxing and he wouldn't be able to avoid the fact that this is probably a terrible idea. Somehow even that niggling thought in the back of his head doesn't cause him any pause and his free hand moving to Alex's side, pulling their bodies closer and then walking Alex back toward the bed, attempting anyway -- hopefully no one trips over their own feet. Even as they move he doesn't move to break from the kiss, slowly deepening it as if every step he's making sure Alex is with him.

Unfortunately - or maybe fortunately? - kissing Holden actually had crossed Alex's mind. Too many times, at increasing frequency. Sure, usually those thoughts skipped a lot lower a lot faster, but now he was actually here and Holden was a lot better at setting the pace than he was.

See, there was a reason he was the captain.

It wasn't the easiest, stumbling backward, but he managed to somehow not make a total tangled knot out of his feet. He reached ouch, free hand finding the edge of where the wall turned inward into the bunk, his other hand still gripped into the fabric of Holden's jumpsuit. The kiss really wasn't bad at all - though he had to break it, in order to get a breath. He didn't speak, though, instead leaning in to press his lips to Holden's jaw, and then again to his ear, beard brushing over Holden's stubble. He let out a slightly shakey breath - a little more overwhelmed than he thought he'd be, before he dragged Holden's earlobe into his mouth, between his teeth.

Once the kiss broke, Holden inhaled deeply, the other's lips moving over his skin and then that breath against his ear sending a wave of heat through him, leaving skin tingling. His hand dropped away from Alex's neck, down to start working off the other's clothes slowly. If Alex thought that Holden was going to be the only one taking his clothes off he'd be mistaken.

The teeth against his earlobe drew a low sound from him, a grin tugging at his lips afterwards. His lips find the other's neck, kissing a line along it, tongue brushing out against his skin before he does pull back, just enough to remove the shirt the other had been wearing to bed before he'd gotten up (or whatever he's wearing okay) and then to nudge at the other down toward the bunk.

Holden doesn't say anything either but now that they've started this he's sure that like Alex, it'll be on his mind too.

The sound was good. The lips were better, and the awkwardness was ebbing away from him, replaced by a low curling heat and a deep bone-set relief that he hadn't just messed everything up beyond all recognition. He sat down on the edge of the bed, hands spurred into action as his shirt got discarded, immediately going to pull open Holden's jumpsuit, dragging the zipper down low, before tugging the hem of his shirt free and pulling it up over the other man's head.

He sat down on the edge of the bed, but that kiss really needed to be followed up, so he pulled Holden down to him with a hand on th back of the man's neck, and when he took a kiss this time it was worlds more confident. He deepened the kiss, free hand moving to grip Holden's hip and try to pull him down into his lap.

Holden helps make it easy to get his shirt off, a brief smile when it's discarded and Alex pull him in for a kiss this time. There's less of a pause, less second-guessing the second time around and it's easy to see that Alex has relaxed more, which Holden is relieved about. It silenced some of the nagging worry about doing this at all.

As the kiss deepens, the taste of Alex on his lips and tongue he does move to straddle Alex's lap without thinking it through. His hands go to the now bared sides thumbs brushing out over the edges of his abdomen.

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donkeyballs - 2018-06-08 00:58 (UTC) - Expand

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holdensteady - 2018-06-08 01:27 (UTC) - Expand

[ Shipping Open Post ]

Jim Holden | The Expanse | OTA

Feel free to switch to brackets if you want!!

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That icon is perfect

IKR

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Looks good to me!

<3

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