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[ NSFW Open Post - 2020 ]

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His smile softens. "Maybe another night," he agrees, taking the implication and holding it close. For all that he is answering Huaisang's questions honestly, stating what he wants, he is... still uncertain, of where he stands.

Knowing that Huaisang at least wants another night, after this, is something to hold onto.

He's silent for a moment even after Huaisang agrees, and he is still quiet even when he asks.

"Was I a convenience for you, all these years, meant only to keep up the pretense and maneuver how you needed?"

He hopes he knows what the answer is - he knows what he wants it to be. He does not want Jin Guangyao to have poisoned him so badly that he cannot trust anyone, but - he has to know. The very fact that he is asking at all is only because it's Huaisang, because Xichen still trusts him enough to give him the truth.

Huaisang frowns at the question, pulling the others hand up to press his lips to his knuckle.

“If you had been it would mean I didn’t trust you and I have never stopped trusting you,” Huaisang says softly.

“Da ge trusted you until the end and so do I. I tried... I tried to keep you out of my plans as much as possible.”

He swallows at that small kiss, his heart thudding a little harder in his chest. It hurts, more than he thought possible, hearing that Huaisang still trusts him. He'd known it would be painful if there was some element of truth in the doubts that plagued him, but he had not anticipated that having them refuted would be so as well.

Mingjue trusted him, and where did that get him? Where did trust get any of them, what good has trusting Xichen ever done anyone? He believes Huaisang when he says it, but he's no longer sure trusting Xichen is a good thing.

"A-Sang," he murmurs, a little undone by the idea of Huaisang spending so long with his anger and grief and nothing else but his plans.

"That night at the temple, I did not think when you warned me, I only acted. It wasn't until later that I thought more on it - I do not think I was afraid that he would harm me, but I was afraid that he would make a move against you. And I realized that I would make the same choice again, because I was not willing to risk you."

Willing to risk himself, yes, willing to lose his own life - but not Huaisang.

He pulls his hand from the other's so he can lean over, sorting through their discarded clothes until he finds his headband. When he comes back up, he takes Huaisang's hand again, wrapping the ribbon once around the other's wrist.

"I do not want to be something you have to keep out of so much of your life."

Huaisang looks down at the direct mention of the temple... even after all this time he still isn't sure what he saw, isn't sure if it was the part of him that just wanted him to die or if he had really seen him move. It happened so fast and when he thinks about it too long he feels sick to his stomach. But the other's words guide his thoughts away from the usual trail of thoughts when it comes up. He meets the other's eyes again. There's an ache that the other would protect him like that, Huaisang knew how important Jin Guangyao had been to Xichen and to still protect him first...

He lets out a shaky breath as the other moved, watching him in confusion and his eyes barely take in the headband before the other is wrapping it around his wrist. His heart starts beating wildly again and he looks down at the soft material on his wrist.

His eyes look up at the other. "Lan Xichen..." he murmurs, searching for more words than that.

Xichen watches him for his reaction, both to his words about the temple and to the headband now around his wrist. It seems that Xichen is not the only one who still has difficulty thinking about that night, who still replays everything that happened and wonders. But - he doesn't let himself go down that route now, not with the way that the other says his name.

"I love you," he says, and his voice is still quiet, but in that, at least, he sounds sure of himself. Loving Huaisang has never been in question for him. The rest of it - "And I want you, more than I had ever realized. I want to be the one who makes you believe that you will never have to be alone like that again."

He runs his fingers over the ribbon, where it's wrapped around the other's wrist, and reminds himself to breathe.

"I want to be done living in the past. I want to find some way to keep going, in all of this, with you."

In all honesty, Xichen doesn't know if that's enough for Huaisang, enough to even think about the possibility of continuing to explore this. But it's what he has, and it's what he wants.

Huaisang finds himself a little overwhelmed. He watches Xichen intently and every word moves him, the feeling of the headband on his skin, the other touching it... He could choose not to let him closer to continue to keep himself at arm's distance away from real vulnerability.

He leans in and presses his lips to the other's, pressing closer to him again.

"I love you," he whispers against his lips and it feels like it's not enough to just say that but other words are failing him.

His eyes slide shut when Huaisang leans in to kiss him - he hadn't realized how much something in him settled when the other was near, until he presses closer once again.

Until Huaisang says that he loves him.

A shudder rushes through him as though the words themselves are washing over him, and he winds his free arm around the other's waist to hold him close.

"I have no expectations," he says. "You do not have to give me a response tonight. This is not - there are no conditions. If you decide this is not what you want, I will still be here."

He will understand, if this is too much, too sudden. It is - not a component he expected, when he came here to try to make sure Huaisang was not alone, but he can not bring himself to regret that it happened, even if the other decides it isn't what he wants long term.

Huaisang kind of thought he was always going to be alone even after he finished his revenge. He's sure there are plenty who think he's no better than Jin Guangyao in some ways. Maybe they're right, but now he can focus more on being a Sect Leader, that's enough, right? He'd been telling himself it was enough for so long.

He wanted to share himself with someone... with Xichen. And for the first time in years, he didn't feel lonely.

"I want this," Huaisang says and leans to kiss him again, his hand burying once more in his hair to hold him close.

"Then you have it," he says before he kisses him back, like it's that easy. Like years of living in the shadows, learning everyone better than they knew themselves and letting the world think him incompetent, weighed down by grief and fueled by anger and betrayal - as though all of that will disappear simply because Xichen is promising to be by his side as he should have always been, as though it is something that can be let go of simply because they share a bed.

He knows better. He knows because years of manipulation, of everything he thought he was collapsing under him, his entire being cracked and fractured when he came to understand that the foundation he had built it on - that he is a good man, that he can trust without hesitation - was fundamentally incorrect, none of that disappears simply because Huaisang loves him, and has agreed to let him be there for him.

But it is better. Patches on his cracks, a balm to scars on his heart, it is better, with Huaisang here. He feels hope.

"Whatever the future holds, however we are supposed to move forward now, we will do it together."

He smiles at him, soft and fond, for just a moment before it turns playful. He reaches up to pull Huaisang's hand from his hair, instead pressing the other's wrists together. There's a slight raise of an eyebrow as he drapes the other end of the ribbon loosely over the one it isn't wrapped around.

"Let me?"

It wouldn't disappear but he wouldn't be alone as he had been either with Xichen by his side. It would be different. He hadn't had anyone to lean on before, no one that saw through everything and now Xichen knew the truth and he didn't turn away from him. He is grateful to have him with him now.

"Together," Huaisang agrees and he smiles, believing in that fully and he is glad that he won't have to face the future alone. His eyes flicker down to his hands when the other pulls the second one down, the ribbon being draped over it and his heart beats a little faster.

"Yes," he murmurs.

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