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1. How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
2. Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
3. i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
4. sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
2. Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
3. i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
4. sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
1. I fell asleep on the toilet again last night…
2. Also his beard was very soft looking. I wanted to touch it but I held back.
3. You said you brought chipotle into the movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
4. Why won’t Noelle stop trying to drown me?
5. I just sent a bad sext to noelle. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
2. Also his beard was very soft looking. I wanted to touch it but I held back.
3. You said you brought chipotle into the movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
4. Why won’t Noelle stop trying to drown me?
5. I just sent a bad sext to noelle. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
1. IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
2. Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
3. I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
4. Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
2. Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
3. I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
4. Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
1. I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
2. I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
3. So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
4. Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
2. I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
3. So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
4. Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
1. I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
2. i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
3. is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
4. Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in practice.
2. i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
3. is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
4. Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in practice.
1. Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
2. you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
3. Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
4. He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
2. you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
3. Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
4. He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
1. I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
2. Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
3. I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
4. Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
5. Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
2. Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
3. I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
4. Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
5. Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
1. from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
2. She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
3. You said “girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.”
4. Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
5. Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
2. She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
3. You said “girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.”
4. Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
5. Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
1. guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
2. I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
3. I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
4. and you fell through a lawn chair
5. You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
2. I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
3. I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
4. and you fell through a lawn chair
5. You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
1. You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
2. So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
3. He said he was trying to live vicariously through me.
4. Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
5. He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
2. So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
3. He said he was trying to live vicariously through me.
4. Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
5. He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Edited 2024-08-05 17:55 (UTC)
1. Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
2. Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
3. Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
4. Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
2. Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
3. Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
4. Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
1. You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
2. Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
3. forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
4. I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
2. Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
3. forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
4. I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Edited 2024-08-06 02:44 (UTC)
1. His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
2. guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
3. They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
4. You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
2. guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
3. They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
4. You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
1. His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
2. Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
3. I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
4. Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
5. We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
2. Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
3. I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
4. Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
5. We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
1. I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
2. i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
3. I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
4. I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
2. i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
3. I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
4. I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
1. I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
2. the paramedic just looked at him like "you again?"
3. Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
4. singing on the bus should be illegal
2. the paramedic just looked at him like "you again?"
3. Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
4. singing on the bus should be illegal
1. He's only a little bit crosseyed.
2. It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
3. the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend I’ve ever had
4. I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
2. It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
3. the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend I’ve ever had
4. I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
1. my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
2. I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
3. Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
4. There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
5. I molested 6 butterflies tonight
2. I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
3. Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
4. There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
5. I molested 6 butterflies tonight
1. i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen for breakfast
2. Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
3. may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
4. Where'd you go?
5. I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
2. Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
3. may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
4. Where'd you go?
5. I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
1. literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn his grandmother's remains were in
2. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
3. Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
4. I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
5. idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
2. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
3. Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
4. I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
5. idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
1. Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
2. Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
3. i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
4. dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
5. You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930. I’m sorry but europeans are weird.
2. Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
3. i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
4. dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
5. You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930. I’m sorry but europeans are weird.
1. One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
2. I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
3. I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
4. I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
5. My earlobe is bruised what the hell
2. I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
3. I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
4. I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
5. My earlobe is bruised what the hell
1. Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
2. semen does not count as food to take medicine with
3. you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers.
4. yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
2. semen does not count as food to take medicine with
3. you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers.
4. yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
1. It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
2. could you please explain to me why jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
3. did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
4. i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties
2. could you please explain to me why jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
3. did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
4. i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties
1. I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
2. I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
3. I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
4. their pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
2. I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
3. I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
4. their pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
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