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1. maybe you did when you were drunk
2. while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..."
3. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
4. [ text him ]
2. while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..."
3. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
4. [ text him ]
1. You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
2. The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
3. [ text him ]
2. The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
3. [ text him ]
1. I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
2. My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
3. Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
4. [ text her ]
2. My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
3. Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
4. [ text her ]
Edited 2017-01-21 13:30 (UTC)
1. After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
2. You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
3. I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
4. She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
5. [ text her ]
2. You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
3. I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
4. She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
5. [ text her ]
Edited 2017-01-21 13:38 (UTC)
1. I believe in your delicious
2. the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
3. Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
4. [ text him ]
2. the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
3. Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
4. [ text him ]
1. Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
2. I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
3. Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
4. Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
5. [ text her ]
2. I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
3. Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
4. Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
5. [ text her ]
1. he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival.
2. Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
3. you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
4. [ text him ]
2. Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
3. you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
4. [ text him ]
1. there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
2. Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
3. Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
4. [ text him ]
2. Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
3. Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
4. [ text him ]
1. dude do u know what u did last night?
2. I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich! Homework time!
3. I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
4. [ text him ]
2. I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich! Homework time!
3. I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
4. [ text him ]
1. Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
2. Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
3. I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital.
4. [ text him ]
2. Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
3. I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital.
4. [ text him ]
1. I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
2. ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
3. He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
4. [ text her ]
2. ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
3. He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
4. [ text her ]
1. The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
2. Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
3. Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
4. If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
5. [ text him ]
2. Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
3. Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
4. If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
5. [ text him ]
1. He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
2. I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
3. I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
4. [ text him ]
2. I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
3. I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
4. [ text him ]
1. Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
2. you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
3. whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
4. [ text him< ]
2. you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
3. whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
4. [ text him< ]
1. You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
2. I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
3. PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
4. [ text him ]
2. I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
3. PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
4. [ text him ]
1. plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
2. Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
3. how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
4. [ text him ]
2. Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
3. how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
4. [ text him ]
1. i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
2. When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
3. I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
4. [ text her ]
2. When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
3. I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
4. [ text her ]
1. How was your 8:30 class today?
2. Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
3. Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
4. [ text her ]
2. Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
3. Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
4. [ text her ]
1. I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
2. It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
3. Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
4. [ text him ]
2. It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
3. Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
4. [ text him ]
1. It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
2. [ text him ]
2. [ text him ]
[ Just a slice of life college lesbian student ]
1. I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
2. who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of '15... Thats right you go get some
3. You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
4. I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
5. [ text her ]
1. I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
2. who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of '15... Thats right you go get some
3. You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
4. I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
5. [ text her ]
the next question is obvious.
Did you do it or not??
Did you do it or not??
1. She said, "I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?"
2. If he is rubbing his balls on your face to wake you up, the friends with benefits arrangement might be getting out of hand.
3. I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
4. [ text him ]
2. If he is rubbing his balls on your face to wake you up, the friends with benefits arrangement might be getting out of hand.
3. I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
4. [ text him ]
1. We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
2. Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net
3. its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath
4. [ text him ]
2. Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net
3. its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath
4. [ text him ]
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