secureserver | [ NSFW Open Post - 2020 ]

Skip to Main Content

[ NSFW Open Post - 2020 ]

✵ Pick a muse
✵ Leave a starter, text, or prompt
✵ Have fun!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Huaisang nods his thanks and takes a sip of the water as he propped up on his elbow, his eyes on Xichen from his hands, up his arm and then to his eyes by the time the other asked him the question and he exhales as it sinks in.

"I don't know... What is that you want?" he returns the question, Huaisang is too hesitant, too ready for answers he doesn't want or feeling rejected to let himself want any specific thing.

"You."

The answer comes easily. There are many things he is uncertain about - how he can ever reconcile his past failures with who he thought he was, how he is supposed to continue on as though he still has any right being a Sect Leader, where he stands in the world and where he stands with Huaisang in particular - but wanting him is one of the few things he is certain about.

And it is tempting, to leave it there. It is the truth, simple and to the point - but it is not the complete truth, and he is saying nothing that he has not already made obvious.

Which means it is no answer at all.

"Not just for a night."

Huaisang tilts his head as he watches him, his brow furrowing in thought and he exhales a little before sitting up with his water, taking another drink before finding some place to just set it aside.

"Why... why me?" now?

The question is not surprising, but that doesn't mean he's any more prepared for it. He does have an answer, it's only - only that he has multiple answers, some that contradict each other and some that he is not sure how to say without it coming across as pity or obligation.

His fingers tangle in the sheets, and he pulls in a slow breath and lets it out to steady himself.

"Are you asking me to identify the reasons why I care for you, the things I find attractive about you? Or why I find myself wanting to be by your side?"

Huaisang sometime would definitely like to hear all the things the other finds attractive but it's not really where his concern lay.

"Ah, I don't know... It's just...you never looked at me this way before," he points out. "I think...I'm trying to understand why that ... why you want to be by my side..."

Fair enough. He has loved Huaisang for a long time, had moments where he found him attractive, certainly - he is not blind - but no, he has not looked at him like this before.

Xichen is quiet for a long moment, trying to get his thoughts in some semblance of an order, into something that might make sense as an explanation for - for any of this.

"When I came here, I expected that you would not want to see me. I expected that you would look at me and see only the role I played in taking everything you loved from you." He swallows, a quiet hitch as a realization hits him. And he - pushes on, allows himself to be vulnerable before he can bury it away again. "Perhaps I hoped for it, for confirmation of what I sometimes see in myself."

His eyes close, and there's another rough breath as he regains some of his composure.

"But I came anyway. I have had a lot of time to myself to think, and I - understand, why you did not come to me. I have not been there for you the way I should have, the way I wished I could be. The way I realized I want to be now." His lips twitch in the tiniest of smiles. "I didn't intend for this to happen, but I do not regret it. There are a lot of things, it seems, that I am realizing about myself after closer inspection."

Huaisang listens carefully, studying the other's body language, his expressions. He doesn't hide what he's doing like he had for years, being the one that carefully studied people while seeming to not notice anything at all.

"You had no role in it," Huaisang says first, his voice steady but there was pain in it but never had he actually truly blamed Xichen of anything. It had hurt him, certainly, frustrated and made him angry that he was the only one that could see through the lies.

"I'm not a replacement then?" Huaisang asks softly, for his brother...for Jin Guangyao... He'd always seen the way that Xichen looked at them. Maybe he'd imagined it but he doesn't think he did. What else would blind him so completely?

That is one point they will have to disagree on, for the time being. Perhaps when he has thought more about what it means to choose to be trusting and kind in a world that has never had much kindness to show him and those around him, when he decides if it will still be a choice he continues to make, they can revisit it - but for now, he lets it be.

He only reaches out to rest his hand on the other's knee, thumb stroking gently, at the pain in his voice.

"Is that how you have felt?" his voice is very quiet, but - of course he would wonder that. Xichen cannot pretend like the question comes out of no where. "I have loved others. I have not always examined those feelings, or attempted to categorize them." He pauses, chest constricting painfully as he admits, "I have loved a lie."

His hand on the other's knee tightens briefly. "It does not mean I love you any less. You are not a replacement. You are Huaisang, and I am not here because I wish you were someone else. I only -" There's another pause, considering. "I like this now. You not hiding the way you are watching me."

Huaisang finds it that he likes the simple touches, the way the weight of the other's hand on his knee soothes some of what he's feeling. He continues to listen carefully to the other's answers, his explanation. He looks down when the other says he has loved a lie -- haven't they all? And Huaisang is the source of the pain, having exposed the lie.

He takes a moment to take in all the other has said, the tightening hand, and he knows he can believe him that Xichen wouldn't lie to him. Slowly his hand comes to rest on top of the other's, curling his fingers around the other's larger hand.

"I always had a bit of a crush on you, you know," he says softly, his lips turning into a playful smile again even if the other's more serious words are still sinking in, he's still feeling them. "Tonight's not the first time you've made me come," he adds and then more seriously...

"I'm scared to want anything more than what you've given me."

The answer to the original question. He knows he wants more than this, than this one night. He can't fully explain himself and the words echoing the other's feelings don't come just yet but this he can admit.

Ah. Yes, of course Huaisang would understand that as well. They had all loved the man they thought they knew, the one who existed only in fragments and pieces, his true self unknown even now. Coming to terms with that is something that Xichen expects he will be attempting for a long time.

But something in his chest loosens, just a little, when Huaisang's hand covers his. He turns his hand, palm facing up so he can lace their fingers together.

The admittance coupled with the playful smile startles a quiet huff of amusement from him, expression lighting up for a moment. Well now. Unexpected, but certainly not unwelcome. "If you are willing to tell me about them, perhaps we can make them a reality."

There is more that he wants to give Huaisang than the rest of the night, however, and when he admits that he is scared - Xichen stares at their joined hands for a moment before he looks back up.

"Will you answer a question for me, before I show you what I want to give you?"

Huaisang squeezes the other's hand once their fingers are laced together. He looks at them for just a moment before back at Xichen. "Maybe another night," he answers, tonight, they don't need to think about past fantasies. It's the first time he indicates that he wants more than just this one night together. That there would be other times.

He watches the other as he looked at their hands and he almost reaches out to touch his cheek but by the time he starts to move his free hand the other looks back.

"Okay."

His smile softens. "Maybe another night," he agrees, taking the implication and holding it close. For all that he is answering Huaisang's questions honestly, stating what he wants, he is... still uncertain, of where he stands.

Knowing that Huaisang at least wants another night, after this, is something to hold onto.

He's silent for a moment even after Huaisang agrees, and he is still quiet even when he asks.

"Was I a convenience for you, all these years, meant only to keep up the pretense and maneuver how you needed?"

He hopes he knows what the answer is - he knows what he wants it to be. He does not want Jin Guangyao to have poisoned him so badly that he cannot trust anyone, but - he has to know. The very fact that he is asking at all is only because it's Huaisang, because Xichen still trusts him enough to give him the truth.

Huaisang frowns at the question, pulling the others hand up to press his lips to his knuckle.

“If you had been it would mean I didn’t trust you and I have never stopped trusting you,” Huaisang says softly.

“Da ge trusted you until the end and so do I. I tried... I tried to keep you out of my plans as much as possible.”

He swallows at that small kiss, his heart thudding a little harder in his chest. It hurts, more than he thought possible, hearing that Huaisang still trusts him. He'd known it would be painful if there was some element of truth in the doubts that plagued him, but he had not anticipated that having them refuted would be so as well.

Mingjue trusted him, and where did that get him? Where did trust get any of them, what good has trusting Xichen ever done anyone? He believes Huaisang when he says it, but he's no longer sure trusting Xichen is a good thing.

"A-Sang," he murmurs, a little undone by the idea of Huaisang spending so long with his anger and grief and nothing else but his plans.

"That night at the temple, I did not think when you warned me, I only acted. It wasn't until later that I thought more on it - I do not think I was afraid that he would harm me, but I was afraid that he would make a move against you. And I realized that I would make the same choice again, because I was not willing to risk you."

Willing to risk himself, yes, willing to lose his own life - but not Huaisang.

He pulls his hand from the other's so he can lean over, sorting through their discarded clothes until he finds his headband. When he comes back up, he takes Huaisang's hand again, wrapping the ribbon once around the other's wrist.

"I do not want to be something you have to keep out of so much of your life."

Huaisang looks down at the direct mention of the temple... even after all this time he still isn't sure what he saw, isn't sure if it was the part of him that just wanted him to die or if he had really seen him move. It happened so fast and when he thinks about it too long he feels sick to his stomach. But the other's words guide his thoughts away from the usual trail of thoughts when it comes up. He meets the other's eyes again. There's an ache that the other would protect him like that, Huaisang knew how important Jin Guangyao had been to Xichen and to still protect him first...

He lets out a shaky breath as the other moved, watching him in confusion and his eyes barely take in the headband before the other is wrapping it around his wrist. His heart starts beating wildly again and he looks down at the soft material on his wrist.

His eyes look up at the other. "Lan Xichen..." he murmurs, searching for more words than that.

Xichen watches him for his reaction, both to his words about the temple and to the headband now around his wrist. It seems that Xichen is not the only one who still has difficulty thinking about that night, who still replays everything that happened and wonders. But - he doesn't let himself go down that route now, not with the way that the other says his name.

"I love you," he says, and his voice is still quiet, but in that, at least, he sounds sure of himself. Loving Huaisang has never been in question for him. The rest of it - "And I want you, more than I had ever realized. I want to be the one who makes you believe that you will never have to be alone like that again."

He runs his fingers over the ribbon, where it's wrapped around the other's wrist, and reminds himself to breathe.

"I want to be done living in the past. I want to find some way to keep going, in all of this, with you."

In all honesty, Xichen doesn't know if that's enough for Huaisang, enough to even think about the possibility of continuing to explore this. But it's what he has, and it's what he wants.

Huaisang finds himself a little overwhelmed. He watches Xichen intently and every word moves him, the feeling of the headband on his skin, the other touching it... He could choose not to let him closer to continue to keep himself at arm's distance away from real vulnerability.

He leans in and presses his lips to the other's, pressing closer to him again.

"I love you," he whispers against his lips and it feels like it's not enough to just say that but other words are failing him.

His eyes slide shut when Huaisang leans in to kiss him - he hadn't realized how much something in him settled when the other was near, until he presses closer once again.

Until Huaisang says that he loves him.

A shudder rushes through him as though the words themselves are washing over him, and he winds his free arm around the other's waist to hold him close.

"I have no expectations," he says. "You do not have to give me a response tonight. This is not - there are no conditions. If you decide this is not what you want, I will still be here."

He will understand, if this is too much, too sudden. It is - not a component he expected, when he came here to try to make sure Huaisang was not alone, but he can not bring himself to regret that it happened, even if the other decides it isn't what he wants long term.

Huaisang kind of thought he was always going to be alone even after he finished his revenge. He's sure there are plenty who think he's no better than Jin Guangyao in some ways. Maybe they're right, but now he can focus more on being a Sect Leader, that's enough, right? He'd been telling himself it was enough for so long.

He wanted to share himself with someone... with Xichen. And for the first time in years, he didn't feel lonely.

"I want this," Huaisang says and leans to kiss him again, his hand burying once more in his hair to hold him close.

"Then you have it," he says before he kisses him back, like it's that easy. Like years of living in the shadows, learning everyone better than they knew themselves and letting the world think him incompetent, weighed down by grief and fueled by anger and betrayal - as though all of that will disappear simply because Xichen is promising to be by his side as he should have always been, as though it is something that can be let go of simply because they share a bed.

He knows better. He knows because years of manipulation, of everything he thought he was collapsing under him, his entire being cracked and fractured when he came to understand that the foundation he had built it on - that he is a good man, that he can trust without hesitation - was fundamentally incorrect, none of that disappears simply because Huaisang loves him, and has agreed to let him be there for him.

But it is better. Patches on his cracks, a balm to scars on his heart, it is better, with Huaisang here. He feels hope.

"Whatever the future holds, however we are supposed to move forward now, we will do it together."

He smiles at him, soft and fond, for just a moment before it turns playful. He reaches up to pull Huaisang's hand from his hair, instead pressing the other's wrists together. There's a slight raise of an eyebrow as he drapes the other end of the ribbon loosely over the one it isn't wrapped around.

"Let me?"

It wouldn't disappear but he wouldn't be alone as he had been either with Xichen by his side. It would be different. He hadn't had anyone to lean on before, no one that saw through everything and now Xichen knew the truth and he didn't turn away from him. He is grateful to have him with him now.

"Together," Huaisang agrees and he smiles, believing in that fully and he is glad that he won't have to face the future alone. His eyes flicker down to his hands when the other pulls the second one down, the ribbon being draped over it and his heart beats a little faster.

"Yes," he murmurs.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only