"You clench your fist as if to remind yourself that zidian is there when you are upset, I use my fan when I am...when I need to center myself," Huaisang tries to explain, looking away from Jiang Cheng as he says it.
And he knew that saying Lan Wangji's name isn't the best idea but... it's the truth of the events.
"I told him that they were lucky that they loved each other and he asked me who I loved who didn't love me," Huaisang says carefully. What a terrible way to confess this is... this whole thing was foolish.
"And it's you. It's always been you. But I saw the way you looked at Wen Qing... and I know so you don't need to tell me."
He wants to deny the observation. Instead...the fact Huaisang had noticed? Makes him realize there is one person, other than Yanli, who had ever bothered noticing anything about him. He glances down at the hand which bears zidian, finding his thumb rubbing it absently. Habitually.
Just as he's observed Huaisang rubbing his fan.
It makes him feel horribly guilty, then. And angry - but that's normal. Angry that he'd been oblivious to so much.
'It's always been you.' Hearing it hurts. Thrilling, but also painful. And guilty, always guilty.
He can't even try to deny how he'd felt about Wen Qing. So he doesn't bother. He can guess, now, why Huaisang had never mentioned it before. Because of her.
"She's gone," he finally says, shortly, eyes flicking around wildly.
"You're not. I'm not."
He has no idea what he's saying, or implying, or what could be.
Huaisang can see Jiang Cheng realizing that what he said was true and in other circumstances he might have smiled -- laughed a little even -- but not now. He wants to melt into the ground, leaving all this bare after decades hiding his feelings and all for what? To hurry Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji along because it had been torture watching their stupid stubbornness all this time when they could have each other.
His brows furrow at the other's comment and he doesn't really know what he's saying either.
"But you don't have feelings for me. Are you even attracted to men?"
Jiang Cheng immediately bristles; "I didn't say that! Don't put words in my mouth!" Short. Sharp. Too harsh, just as his temper always is. Even when misplaced.
He regrets them as soon as they come out and actually, visibly, winces a little. He presses his lips closed and forces himself to be silent for a moment while he chews over what has been said, and what hasn't.
For once in his life. Someone other than family...likes him. Him! Someone finally chose him, out of everyone else! Everyone better, smarter, stronger, kinder than he is.
"You're perfect for me except for one thing," it bursts out, quietly as realization finally smacks him over the head. "It's not...that I'm not. Attracted to men." Disjointed, just as his thoughts as he struggles to put words to his own feelings, as he realizes what they are himself.
"I need heirs, Huaisang. So do you." An excuse...and he hates himself for giving it.
Huaisang almost took a step back when the others anger snaps at him, but
he’s not who he used to be. So he only turns his gaze away briefly because
the other denying something like that... what it could mean... after all
these years?
When the others admission ends on the mention of heirs Huaisang feels his
stomach twisting.
“I was not proposing marriage,” Huaisang says quietly, and the fan slips
open despite his determination not to. “You and I both know heirs do not
have to come from a wife anyway. You do not have to give me a reason to not
be with me.”
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no subject
And he knew that saying Lan Wangji's name isn't the best idea but... it's the truth of the events.
"I told him that they were lucky that they loved each other and he asked me who I loved who didn't love me," Huaisang says carefully. What a terrible way to confess this is... this whole thing was foolish.
"And it's you. It's always been you. But I saw the way you looked at Wen Qing... and I know so you don't need to tell me."
no subject
Just as he's observed Huaisang rubbing his fan.
It makes him feel horribly guilty, then. And angry - but that's normal. Angry that he'd been oblivious to so much.
'It's always been you.' Hearing it hurts. Thrilling, but also painful. And guilty, always guilty.
He can't even try to deny how he'd felt about Wen Qing. So he doesn't bother. He can guess, now, why Huaisang had never mentioned it before. Because of her.
"She's gone," he finally says, shortly, eyes flicking around wildly.
"You're not. I'm not."
He has no idea what he's saying, or implying, or what could be.
no subject
His brows furrow at the other's comment and he doesn't really know what he's saying either.
"But you don't have feelings for me. Are you even attracted to men?"
no subject
He regrets them as soon as they come out and actually, visibly, winces a little. He presses his lips closed and forces himself to be silent for a moment while he chews over what has been said, and what hasn't.
For once in his life. Someone other than family...likes him. Him! Someone finally chose him, out of everyone else! Everyone better, smarter, stronger, kinder than he is.
"You're perfect for me except for one thing," it bursts out, quietly as realization finally smacks him over the head. "It's not...that I'm not. Attracted to men." Disjointed, just as his thoughts as he struggles to put words to his own feelings, as he realizes what they are himself.
"I need heirs, Huaisang. So do you." An excuse...and he hates himself for giving it.
no subject
Huaisang almost took a step back when the others anger snaps at him, but he’s not who he used to be. So he only turns his gaze away briefly because the other denying something like that... what it could mean... after all these years?
When the others admission ends on the mention of heirs Huaisang feels his stomach twisting.
“I was not proposing marriage,” Huaisang says quietly, and the fan slips open despite his determination not to. “You and I both know heirs do not have to come from a wife anyway. You do not have to give me a reason to not be with me.”