Zichen tries not to give into the urge to look. Every time that he looks he feels the crushing grief again, the guilt. After all, if he hadn't lashed out in anger at Xingchen... if he had found him quicker! None of this had to happen at all. How could he ever begin to make the world right again?
But there's a moment where it changes... a moment when the imagination of the other's breath of his presence is too real. When he hears him sob. He recognizes it instantly. His hands tighten at his knees for a brief moment -- cursing his mind for playing such a cruel trick.
But then he opens his eyes and he sees him. He can't speak to comfort him. But he's afraid to reach out and touch him for more than just the usual reasons -- what if he disappears? So instinctively his hand moves to the pouch he keeps with him and he shifts to move closer to Xingchen.
At first, Xingchen is too distracted by his emotions to notice he's finally getting his wish. His shoulders shake and tears drip down his cheeks. However, the instant the pouch is touched he startles, hands falling away, and one moves to his chest. There's still part of him in that bag and the touch tugs on that invisible tether connecting him.
He doesn't care though. With wide eyes he gapes at the man looking back at him. The way Song Lan is staring at him answers this question, but he can't help himself from asking anyway. "Zichen? Can you see me?"
Zichen stares at him wordlessly. Even if he could speak he might have been speechless. He reaches out his free hand hesitantly, almost reaching to touch Xingchen before drawing it back. He must be dreaming. This couldn't be real.
Still he gives an almost imperceptalbe nod as an answer.
Xiao Xingchen sees the hand being moved toward him and he starts to reach back, but he's too slow and misses his chance. His heart breaks a little, but he deserves nothing less. There isn't a limit to how little he deserves and he's very aware of how terribly wrong it is that he's even deigning to look or speak to this man he's hurt so gravely. He pulls his hand back and tucks it against his chest again.
"I'm sorry.. I know you don't like that." It feels silly to apologize for that slight when he has so much else to atone for. His gaze lowers and he shifts where he's sitting until he's on his knees. He bends and bows deeply, letting his forehead touch the earth. "I'm so sorry. I've been nothing but a curse on your life. Please, Zizhen, please.. just throw the bag and what remains of that wretched soul away."
Zichen doesn't know what to say, doesn't know how to face the aching that wells up as he hears Xingchen's voice, hears the apology from his lips. There's nothing to apologize for in his mind -- not anymore not even if the other had touched him. He feels his throat tighten and the ache to cry but in his condition not only had words been taken from him but tears. Wanting to cry and being physically unable to is torture in it's own right.
As the other is bowing, apologizing again, Zichen reaches out, his fingers curling on the other's shoulders and trying to pull him back upright. How else can he tell him to stop?
Xingchen is solid under his fingers, proof that he is either indeed real or Song Lan has further lost his mind than he thought. The man in white looks up surprised when he feels the touch.
There isn't any resistance when Zichen draws him back up, not just because he'd follow the other man's guidance anywhere but because there is a distinct lack of strength to him. He sways a little unstable when he's on his knees again, as though finding his balance is more difficult than it should.
He stares again in disbelief at the beautiful face he has always loved. He bites his bottom lip as he feels more nervous now than he remembers ever feeling in life. What is he supposed to do or say? He trembles ever so slightly. He had such confidence and serenity in life and then he got everything so terribly wrong.
"I don't deserve this any more than I deserve to even be speaking to you, but I wish I knew what you were thinking. I know that's my fault that you have lost that ability." If he could take his own tongue and give it to the other man he would in an instant, but he can't. He's so utterly powerless.. he's worthless. Tears slip down his cheeks again as he regrets so many things.
Zichen aches to speak, to tell Xingchen what's on his mind. He doesn't want anymore sacrifices from the other, though. His anger had already taken too much. He reaches out since he can't speak, his hand moving from his shoulder to his cheek, touching skin? He shouldn't allow it and normally he wouldn't be able to stand it but the contact... Maybe this isn't even real anyway.
His thumb brushes at the other's tears. Could he feel what Song Lan felt? That longing and emptiness he felt without Xingchen. That he doesn't blame him.
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But there's a moment where it changes... a moment when the imagination of the other's breath of his presence is too real. When he hears him sob. He recognizes it instantly. His hands tighten at his knees for a brief moment -- cursing his mind for playing such a cruel trick.
But then he opens his eyes and he sees him. He can't speak to comfort him. But he's afraid to reach out and touch him for more than just the usual reasons -- what if he disappears? So instinctively his hand moves to the pouch he keeps with him and he shifts to move closer to Xingchen.
He can't be real.
no subject
He doesn't care though. With wide eyes he gapes at the man looking back at him. The way Song Lan is staring at him answers this question, but he can't help himself from asking anyway. "Zichen? Can you see me?"
no subject
Still he gives an almost imperceptalbe nod as an answer.
no subject
"I'm sorry.. I know you don't like that." It feels silly to apologize for that slight when he has so much else to atone for. His gaze lowers and he shifts where he's sitting until he's on his knees. He bends and bows deeply, letting his forehead touch the earth. "I'm so sorry. I've been nothing but a curse on your life. Please, Zizhen, please.. just throw the bag and what remains of that wretched soul away."
no subject
As the other is bowing, apologizing again, Zichen reaches out, his fingers curling on the other's shoulders and trying to pull him back upright. How else can he tell him to stop?
no subject
There isn't any resistance when Zichen draws him back up, not just because he'd follow the other man's guidance anywhere but because there is a distinct lack of strength to him. He sways a little unstable when he's on his knees again, as though finding his balance is more difficult than it should.
He stares again in disbelief at the beautiful face he has always loved. He bites his bottom lip as he feels more nervous now than he remembers ever feeling in life. What is he supposed to do or say? He trembles ever so slightly. He had such confidence and serenity in life and then he got everything so terribly wrong.
"I don't deserve this any more than I deserve to even be speaking to you, but I wish I knew what you were thinking. I know that's my fault that you have lost that ability." If he could take his own tongue and give it to the other man he would in an instant, but he can't. He's so utterly powerless.. he's worthless. Tears slip down his cheeks again as he regrets so many things.
no subject
His thumb brushes at the other's tears. Could he feel what Song Lan felt? That longing and emptiness he felt without Xingchen. That he doesn't blame him.