"I did." The word is heaved out as Zichen's hand rests upon his cheek. The kindness in that gesture, the gentleness, is too much. It's almost as if Zichen forgives him. How ridiculous. No matter how close they may have once been, Xingchen's sins are simply too heinous.
He doesn't deserve any of this. But being near Zichen is all he's wanted and even though they can't possibly go back to how things were before, he wants to be in his presence. Just for a moment. One selfish moment.
And if he can explain himself, maybe he'll be able to rest entirely, not hang on by a single fragment like this. "If it weren't for me, none of this would have happened. You'd still have your family at the temple. You would..."
Another sob hits him, thus one fact tearing at what's left of him with such ferocity. The one thing that destroyed any tether to his mortal life. Because how could he possibly keep living after...after...!
Under Zichen's touch he starts to wither, starts to curl so harshly into himself. His voice has weakened, too, hardly breaching a whisper. "You'd still be alive."
Song Lan wishes nothing more that he could speak and he could adamantly say that the other did not. But all he can do is shake his head and continue to touch the other's cheek. He struggles with the touch a little but the other is real and he had missed him too much that it overcomes the fear.
He aches to see his soulmate hurt like this and knowing he can really do nothing to help. He can't say the words that need to be said. He tries to stop him from curling in on himself, moving closer though still afraid that the other would disappear, that he would find he is dreaming or hallucinating.
He pulls him against him, wrapping his arms around him.
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AYYY YOU'RE STILL VALID BOO
He doesn't deserve any of this. But being near Zichen is all he's wanted and even though they can't possibly go back to how things were before, he wants to be in his presence. Just for a moment. One selfish moment.
And if he can explain himself, maybe he'll be able to rest entirely, not hang on by a single fragment like this. "If it weren't for me, none of this would have happened. You'd still have your family at the temple. You would..."
Another sob hits him, thus one fact tearing at what's left of him with such ferocity. The one thing that destroyed any tether to his mortal life. Because how could he possibly keep living after...after...!
Under Zichen's touch he starts to wither, starts to curl so harshly into himself. His voice has weakened, too, hardly breaching a whisper. "You'd still be alive."
no subject
He aches to see his soulmate hurt like this and knowing he can really do nothing to help. He can't say the words that need to be said. He tries to stop him from curling in on himself, moving closer though still afraid that the other would disappear, that he would find he is dreaming or hallucinating.
He pulls him against him, wrapping his arms around him.