[ NSFW Open Post - 2020 ]

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[eternalgrief]

Huaisang's breath stops when the other's fingers tease against it, his muscles tightening around Xichen's fingers as he lifts his hips. It's enough to have him fully hard again. His entrance flutters a little when the other's fingers leave him as if grasping for them back to fill him.

"Ah..." he moans as the other's length starts to press in slowly. Maybe another time he might have demanded he move faster but he savors it, slowly being filled by the other's cock. It stretches him more than the fingers had and he's tight but he stays relaxed around him, nails digging into his back. "Your cock feels good, er ge," he lifts his hips just slightly again urging him deeper a little faster.

[equivocations]

Honestly, he has to move slowly right now - he's still wound up from pinning Huaisang against the wall, and if he doesn't pace himself and take the time to enjoy this, he suspects it will be too much. There will be time later, he hopes, for variety.

Xichen huffs out something that's half exhale as he bottoms out, half incredulous laughter. He's the one who feels good, when he's got Huaisang pulsing warm and tight around him, pulling him in like he belongs there?

"And you are perfect, A-Sang."

He leans in to kiss him, giving Huaisang time to accommodate and himself time to calm a little, to adjust to the feel of being enveloped so completely.

When he pulls back, he gets his hands on the other's hips, hauling them up until they're raised even further off the bed - he assumes Huaisang would have told him by now, if he didn't like being manhandled a bit, and doesn't hesitate to move him into a position to get a better angle. Then he pulls out, just as slowly as he pressed in, before slamming back in, sharp and sudden.

[eternalgrief]

Huaisang bites his lip but there's still a pleased noise when the other fills him up completely. It feels good, the just right sort of fit that's rare to come by. He smiles when the other tells him he's perfect even if he doesn't believe it. There's still those questions that comments like that raise but he can bury them in kissing him back, in feeling the other's length.

He hums a little when the other breaks away from the kiss, watching him. His hands slip away from the other's hair and back when Xichen moves. A gasp following the other repositioning him and the different angle inside of him, one of his hands grasps the bedding beneath them. He does very much like being manhandled and it's just another wave of heat through him. And he knows it's only going to get better.

The slowness of the other pulling back has him wiggling impatiently but it's worth it. It's so very worth it when the other's cock is moving back in fast and drawing out a much, much louder cry out of Huaisang. His body tightens as the pleasure of it ripples through him and his hand had twisted in the blanket. The other reaches out to touch, to explore the other's body.

"Like that," he breathes.

[equivocations]

If Xichen were more in control of himself, he'd think to hold back a little, to not be so free with his thoughts until after they've had the chance to talk about what any of this means. But he isn't, and they fall from his lips without any consideration, silenced only when his mouth is otherwise occupied.

Huaisang's impatience gets a small, fond smile tugging at his lips, and he thinks sometime he'd like to push that, to drag it out and get him nice and frustrated - but he was the one who had to see the other come before they did this, and right now he'd be frustrating himself more than anything.

That cry earns a bitten off shout of his own, especially when the other tightens around him. His skin feels overheated, and the exploration touch drags out the sensation, leaving fissures and sparks wherever he touches. He hooks his arms under Huaisang's legs, settling his knees over the crooks of his elbows so he can hold him where he wants him while freeing up his hands a little - and so he can feel the stretch in Huaisang's thighs when he presses closer.

This time there's nothing slow about his withdrawal, and he sets an almost brutal pace.

[eternalgrief]

Every sound he draws out of Xichen feels like an accomplishment but that one... He shudders, reaching up to touch his shoulders, his arms, finding his way back into tangling his fingers in the other's hair, his hair is hopelessly messy at this point. Everywhere the other's touch leads his body feels ready to react, pleasure, burning, tingling desire that has his cock leaking against his stomach even as the other hooks his legs, manhandling him even more and oh...

Huaisang moans loudly, from the strain of muscle as his thighs are stretched in this position when the other moves. But it's really the way the other starts to fuck him, fast, hard, harder than he would have ever expected of Xichen. But it's delicious, leaving him panting, grunting at each thrust, a moan when the other hits just right or a whimper when he's almost there.

He uses his hold on the other's at some point pulling him down to press the other's face into the crook of his neck.

[equivocations]

Every time he thinks he has seen Huaisang at his most breathtaking, it seems he's proven wrong in no time at all - or perhaps each new sight, each new sound, only compounds on the one before it and leaves him feeling breathless. He's torn between letting his eyes slide shut so he can lose himself in the sensation, drinking in the sounds Huaisang makes, and keeping them fixed on the man spread out under him, taking in everything he can.

He cannot remember the last time he has let go this much, allowing himself to drop any pretense of restraint and taking control of what he wants. He cannot remember the last time he felt secure enough to do so, and he isn't even sure if he feels it now, when there's so much uncertainty, so much left unasked and unsaid.

He does it anyway, relentless in his pursuit to build them both up and push them over.

His hands skim up the other's hips, over his stomach, up his chest to thumb over a nipple and back down, palms warm and fingers splayed wide as he touches everywhere he can reach, except the other's cock. He doesn't know if Huaisang can come untouched, but he wants to find out - or wait until he demands more, whichever happens first.

The spiking pleasure that he's held at bay so far climbs higher and higher, and he isn't sure how much longer he has left in him when the other pulls him down. He doesn't slow his pace, but one hand stops its restless roaming to lay flat over Huaisang's heart, and the soft, tender kiss he presses to his neck is at odds with the slam of his hips.

[eternalgrief]

Huaisang basks in the attention, how attentive the other's hands were, how good the angle was that the other was moving at, sending him higher and higher it felt like. It's almost too much, how good it feels. It's almost the sort of pleasure that makes you curl in on yourself as the sensation overwhelms. Even without a single touch his cock continues to leak, making a mess on himself and he feels close, each press against that bundle of nerves making him lose it more. The other's fingers on his nipples had had him arching, as they tightened even more into sensitive harden nubs. Everything about the other had him at the brink of pleasure but he wanted to feel the other come.

His heartbeat didn't stop racing when the other's hand rested over it, and he wonders if Xichen can feel how fast and hard his heart is racing. The tenderness of that touch of his lips on his neck is a bit disorientating when his hips still move hard and deep.

"Ah, I want to feel you come," he breathes, his fingers brushing through the other's hair and his other hand gripping at Xichen's bicep. "Please."

[equivocations]

Every reaction he pulls from Huaisang just winds him up more, as though he could feel them against his own skin, as though he were the one being overwhelmed. And he is, perhaps, because for the moment it feels as though there is no difference between Huaisang's pleasure and his own, and making the other arch up against him is almost enough to push him over the edge.

It's gratifying to feel the other's heart beating so fast, when he knows his is pounding similarly in his own chest, and his hand curls in a little, fingertips pressing in.

"Since you ask so nice," he teases, but it comes out breathless and ragged, an obvious indication of how close he is.

He drops his head down, forehead resting against Huaisang's shoulder as he chases his own release. It only takes a few more breaths before his orgasm hits - he comes without a sound, biting down on the other's chest and continuing to fuck into Huaisang for a long few moments, like he's trying to prolong the sensation as much as possible.

[eternalgrief]

How it feels when Xichen's fingers curl into his chest. He knows then that the other can feel his heart. Somehow that's scarier than it should be... but there's no time to think of it. The other's already moving to give Huaisang exactly what he wanted and Huaisang relishes that. He appreciates every moment of this, how good it feels not just the sex but being close... the intimacy of the other's forehead on his shoulder and he kisses the side of his head. The other keeps moving inside, Huaisang lets his muscles tighten and loosen around him. "So good," he moans, and it's a simple thing to say but he couldn't help himself. The other felt so good and he was being so... so good to him.

His eyes close when he feels it, the other starting to release, his arms wrapped around him tightly, nails digging into his back carelessly. It's a combination of the way the other had touched him, the way he'd fucked him and now how it feels when the other orgasms inside him while biting him. The bite is a flash of sharp pain but it feels good and as one hand drags upwards, letting his nails scrape along his skin before burying in his hair. Without being touched directly all that stiumulation is enough for him to come a second time, it's not as intense as that first one but he moans as his body spasms tightly around the other's cock.

[equivocations]

He'd known that dragging this out, that delaying his release until now would make it more intense, but oh it hadn't prepared him for Huaisang's heart beating under his palm, for the sound of his moan, for the scrape of nails over his back and fingers in his hair. His mind doesn't white out with the intensity, not when he's too surrounded by Huaisang to lose focus, but it does make the rest of the world go narrow and dim and feel so very far below him as to not matter at all.

There is a muffled shout when he feels the other spasm around him, just as he was starting to come down, sending little fissures of pleasure through him once again and drawing it out more. He stills, finally, staying buried in Huaisang as his body starts to relax.

His hair is a mess, falling haphazardly into his eyes as he lifts his head from the other's shoulder, but it just makes him huff out a soft laugh before he leans in to kiss him, soft and sweet.

He should - probably let go of Huaisang's legs, stop pressing them back against him, pull out and let them both take a moment to finish coming down, but he doesn't feel any particular rush to move at all.

[eternalgrief]

Huaisang held onto him through his orgasm and when it's done he only loosens his arms a little bit. The one hand's nails drag lightly over his back as he lifts up to meet him in that kiss a smile tugging at his lips. There's a strain in his muscles, an ache in the thighs from the position but he doesn't care to say anything about it. He wants to feel him a little longer, enjoying this.

He breaks the kiss to take a deep breath, looking up at the other. There's a million things he should say but he just watches him, slowly untangling his fingers from his hair.

[equivocations]

He almost leans in for another kiss, after the other breaks it, but then he catches the way Huaisang is watching him. For a long few moments, Xichen just watches him in return, taking in everything he can. His hand is still over the other's heart, and his fingertips trace absent patterns over his skin.

"If we stay like this, it won't be long before I am ready again."

Which is not necessarily a bad thing, considering they had been talking about a long night - but there is more than one reason that perhaps a break may be in order.

[eternalgrief]

Huaisang hesitates when the other spoke. He shifts slightly beneath him though his range of mobility is certainly limited here. He still can't bring himself to ask the questions on his mind but he smiles. "I think we both could use some water," he finally says.

[equivocations]

Xichen hums his agreement, letting the other's legs out of his grasp as he pushes himself up. There's a quick, sharp inhale when he feels his cock slide from Huaisang - and a pang of regret that he quickly shoves down, trying not to allow himself to wonder if that might now be the last time he gets to feel it. He presses a kiss to the side of his knee before he climbs out of the bed.

"Would you like me to bring you some?"

[eternalgrief]

Huaisang bites back a whimper as the other leaves him, the emptiness that follows that feels more than physical have him closing his eyes. He smiles at that soft kiss, though, the skin where the other kissed is tingling jus ta little or maybe that's in his head. He rolls onto his side when the other got up.

He reaches out letting his fingers brush against the other's.

"Please."

[equivocations]

Xichen threads their fingers together when Huaisang brushes against his, giving them a brief squeeze before he lets go.

And he is torn, as he moves to get them water, between hurrying back to the other's side and giving them both some time to think - but it doesn't take him long to settle on getting back quickly.

He still doesn't want to leave Huaisang alone.

When he returns, he sits on the edge of the bed, offering him the cup and deliberately letting his fingers linger against the other's.

He's quiet, for a moment, and then he asks, "What do you want, Huaisang?"

[eternalgrief]

Huaisang nods his thanks and takes a sip of the water as he propped up on his elbow, his eyes on Xichen from his hands, up his arm and then to his eyes by the time the other asked him the question and he exhales as it sinks in.

"I don't know... What is that you want?" he returns the question, Huaisang is too hesitant, too ready for answers he doesn't want or feeling rejected to let himself want any specific thing.

[equivocations]

"You."

The answer comes easily. There are many things he is uncertain about - how he can ever reconcile his past failures with who he thought he was, how he is supposed to continue on as though he still has any right being a Sect Leader, where he stands in the world and where he stands with Huaisang in particular - but wanting him is one of the few things he is certain about.

And it is tempting, to leave it there. It is the truth, simple and to the point - but it is not the complete truth, and he is saying nothing that he has not already made obvious.

Which means it is no answer at all.

"Not just for a night."

[eternalgrief]

Huaisang tilts his head as he watches him, his brow furrowing in thought and he exhales a little before sitting up with his water, taking another drink before finding some place to just set it aside.

"Why... why me?" now?

[equivocations]

The question is not surprising, but that doesn't mean he's any more prepared for it. He does have an answer, it's only - only that he has multiple answers, some that contradict each other and some that he is not sure how to say without it coming across as pity or obligation.

His fingers tangle in the sheets, and he pulls in a slow breath and lets it out to steady himself.

"Are you asking me to identify the reasons why I care for you, the things I find attractive about you? Or why I find myself wanting to be by your side?"

[eternalgrief]

Huaisang sometime would definitely like to hear all the things the other finds attractive but it's not really where his concern lay.

"Ah, I don't know... It's just...you never looked at me this way before," he points out. "I think...I'm trying to understand why that ... why you want to be by my side..."

[equivocations]

Fair enough. He has loved Huaisang for a long time, had moments where he found him attractive, certainly - he is not blind - but no, he has not looked at him like this before.

Xichen is quiet for a long moment, trying to get his thoughts in some semblance of an order, into something that might make sense as an explanation for - for any of this.

"When I came here, I expected that you would not want to see me. I expected that you would look at me and see only the role I played in taking everything you loved from you." He swallows, a quiet hitch as a realization hits him. And he - pushes on, allows himself to be vulnerable before he can bury it away again. "Perhaps I hoped for it, for confirmation of what I sometimes see in myself."

His eyes close, and there's another rough breath as he regains some of his composure.

"But I came anyway. I have had a lot of time to myself to think, and I - understand, why you did not come to me. I have not been there for you the way I should have, the way I wished I could be. The way I realized I want to be now." His lips twitch in the tiniest of smiles. "I didn't intend for this to happen, but I do not regret it. There are a lot of things, it seems, that I am realizing about myself after closer inspection."

[eternalgrief]

Huaisang listens carefully, studying the other's body language, his expressions. He doesn't hide what he's doing like he had for years, being the one that carefully studied people while seeming to not notice anything at all.

"You had no role in it," Huaisang says first, his voice steady but there was pain in it but never had he actually truly blamed Xichen of anything. It had hurt him, certainly, frustrated and made him angry that he was the only one that could see through the lies.

"I'm not a replacement then?" Huaisang asks softly, for his brother...for Jin Guangyao... He'd always seen the way that Xichen looked at them. Maybe he'd imagined it but he doesn't think he did. What else would blind him so completely?

[equivocations]

That is one point they will have to disagree on, for the time being. Perhaps when he has thought more about what it means to choose to be trusting and kind in a world that has never had much kindness to show him and those around him, when he decides if it will still be a choice he continues to make, they can revisit it - but for now, he lets it be.

He only reaches out to rest his hand on the other's knee, thumb stroking gently, at the pain in his voice.

"Is that how you have felt?" his voice is very quiet, but - of course he would wonder that. Xichen cannot pretend like the question comes out of no where. "I have loved others. I have not always examined those feelings, or attempted to categorize them." He pauses, chest constricting painfully as he admits, "I have loved a lie."

His hand on the other's knee tightens briefly. "It does not mean I love you any less. You are not a replacement. You are Huaisang, and I am not here because I wish you were someone else. I only -" There's another pause, considering. "I like this now. You not hiding the way you are watching me."

[eternalgrief]

Huaisang finds it that he likes the simple touches, the way the weight of the other's hand on his knee soothes some of what he's feeling. He continues to listen carefully to the other's answers, his explanation. He looks down when the other says he has loved a lie -- haven't they all? And Huaisang is the source of the pain, having exposed the lie.

He takes a moment to take in all the other has said, the tightening hand, and he knows he can believe him that Xichen wouldn't lie to him. Slowly his hand comes to rest on top of the other's, curling his fingers around the other's larger hand.

"I always had a bit of a crush on you, you know," he says softly, his lips turning into a playful smile again even if the other's more serious words are still sinking in, he's still feeling them. "Tonight's not the first time you've made me come," he adds and then more seriously...

"I'm scared to want anything more than what you've given me."

The answer to the original question. He knows he wants more than this, than this one night. He can't fully explain himself and the words echoing the other's feelings don't come just yet but this he can admit.