"Do you really think so poorly of Sect Leader Jiang?" Jingyi says, still tense and feeling his temper flare. He didn't need proof, he knew Jiang Cheng's heart. "I do not believe he is that kind of person. You're overcorrecting."
It's probably too far to say that last part but what else could Lan Xichen do that would be worse?
"I do not go not because I think there is any merit to this but because I do not want to lose my clan," he says, despite the way he's always felt out of place. "Because even if I don't always feel like I belong..." Jingyi shrugs. "I still care about your approval. But know there is no doubt in my heart for the kind of man that I know he is."
"I would not have if he had not dallied with a junior of another sect without first talking with his kith and kin. Those who have done so in the past... have not had the best overall behavior. In view of the rest of what is known of his conduct, I am willing to allow that it may be a wrong judgment."
Xichen's expression softens, though.
"I do not wish to lose you, either. Our Sect... we are used to certain ways. Some of which are - necessary, for how deep our emotions run. I do know that you have not always felt like you belong, but. All of this proves that you are, very much, one of us.
"And I do want you to be happy, though I know right now it does not seem so. So I am grateful that, despite the pain you feel for it, you do stay."
"And what would you have done if he had?" Jingyi counters, he already knows the answer and it's not as if that would have worked since the feelings aren't what came first, definitely not what came first.
"It does...?" Jingyi looks confused because he has never felt less Lan like than he does now.
Jingyi looks down by the last line and he wishes there was anything that made him feel better and he can't tell if this all had just made him feel more hopeless about the remaining time.
"If he had requested to, well, court you - rather than taking you first - I would have been a little surprised, but as it is the right way to do things, and if you had been willing, I would have agreed."
He closes his eyes for a moment, squeezing them against grief that still comes in deep waves, even though he is slightly less likely to drown in them these days.
"We all love deeply, the descendants of Lan An. Emotions strong like a gale, like the tides. We are caught in them, and often get trapped into situations we cannot escape and only bring pain. Think of what you must know of my father; think what you witnessed for more than a decade and a half of my brother - it would have been more, had other circumstances not alleviated his pain."
He looks out in the direction of the Wall of Rules. "And the rules we all grow up with show a path, but in the end, we can only walk it so far."
Jingyi looks at him doubtfully, considering he'd been even younger when they'd first gotten involved and well, it wouldn't have mattered because when they first got involved it was just about sex and a fun time and neither of them had meant for it to become more and then it had. None of it matters now anyway.
Jingyi's gaze lowers as the other continues talking.
"But it's not my emotions that is causing the pain," he mumbles and then shakes his head. There's really nothing that will make him feel better. He couldn't even keep his anger at Lan Xichen.
Xichen hums, not pointing out that missing him is also an emotion - that is beside the point, and it will not help.
Instead, he gently leans over, and smooths Jingyi's robes, without trying to fix anything - not berating him over anything, but trying to offer comfort.
"It will not be for all that long. He is alive and well. Take heart in your hope. Hope is worth that."
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no subject
It's probably too far to say that last part but what else could Lan Xichen do that would be worse?
"I do not go not because I think there is any merit to this but because I do not want to lose my clan," he says, despite the way he's always felt out of place. "Because even if I don't always feel like I belong..." Jingyi shrugs. "I still care about your approval. But know there is no doubt in my heart for the kind of man that I know he is."
no subject
Xichen's expression softens, though.
"I do not wish to lose you, either. Our Sect... we are used to certain ways. Some of which are - necessary, for how deep our emotions run. I do know that you have not always felt like you belong, but. All of this proves that you are, very much, one of us.
"And I do want you to be happy, though I know right now it does not seem so. So I am grateful that, despite the pain you feel for it, you do stay."
no subject
"It does...?" Jingyi looks confused because he has never felt less Lan like than he does now.
Jingyi looks down by the last line and he wishes there was anything that made him feel better and he can't tell if this all had just made him feel more hopeless about the remaining time.
no subject
He closes his eyes for a moment, squeezing them against grief that still comes in deep waves, even though he is slightly less likely to drown in them these days.
"We all love deeply, the descendants of Lan An. Emotions strong like a gale, like the tides. We are caught in them, and often get trapped into situations we cannot escape and only bring pain. Think of what you must know of my father; think what you witnessed for more than a decade and a half of my brother - it would have been more, had other circumstances not alleviated his pain."
He looks out in the direction of the Wall of Rules. "And the rules we all grow up with show a path, but in the end, we can only walk it so far."
no subject
Jingyi's gaze lowers as the other continues talking.
"But it's not my emotions that is causing the pain," he mumbles and then shakes his head. There's really nothing that will make him feel better. He couldn't even keep his anger at Lan Xichen.
"I miss him."
no subject
Instead, he gently leans over, and smooths Jingyi's robes, without trying to fix anything - not berating him over anything, but trying to offer comfort.
"It will not be for all that long. He is alive and well. Take heart in your hope. Hope is worth that."