Jiang Cheng had spent hours alternating between staring at the text from Nie Huaisang, and pacing. If it had been before Wei Wuxian's death, he'd probably have drunk himself into a stupor. Not these days.
Too much rides on his shoulders. He hadn't really even thought of marriage since Wen Qing's death. And suddenly this confession is foisted on him? Is it a joke? The thought that a sect leader, much less Nie Huaisang would say such a thing to him has him both boiling mad and...
Hurt.
So he hadn't responded. In truth he doesn't even know where his phone even is right now. Maybe by the docks...? Shit. He'll have to find it! And then he's told Huaisang has come to see him.
Shit! No time to search. The other man is shown in - he can't easily refuse such a visit, can he? But eventually, seated across a far too small room, watching Huaisang fan himself as usual...
'Thank you for seeing me.'
"What kind of fool do you take me for?" He lashes out, jaw working.
Huaisang looks shocked when the other lashes out at him but he should have expected it. He snaps the fan closed and he expected this and yet it still hurt. He can't look at Jiang Cheng. It'd been a mistake to let Wei Wuxian convince him to do this, to ask in the first place and then to come here and actually speak to him in person.
"Why can't I mean it?" Huaisang asks, forcing himself to look up at Jiang Cheng. Jiang Cheng he'd always wanted and admired and loved. Jiang Cheng who terrifies him just as often as he awes him. But Huaisang is used to anger, to being lashed out at and it had never quite bothered him that the other had the tendency to lash out, to at times be scary.
Maybe that's part of why he likes him, especially after Mingjue...
He always tries so hard. To be better. To be The Best. To live up to his sect's motto, which his adopted brother, had always been so much better at living up to and understanding.
He can't decide if he admires Huaisang for having the guts to come to him in person, or...not. So he defaults to just Angry. Easier than hurt.
Huaisang, who had brought Wei Wuxian back. Who had orchestrated Jin Guangyao's downfall. Huaisang...who is so much smarter than anyone had thought, including those who had known him for decades.
Huaisang who...if he were female...May well be perfect for him. The sudden thought startles him into staring at the other man for another moment, all set to bluster and rage. When it...settles.
"Do you...?" His brow furrows when he finally speaks again.
Huaisang is ready for another brunt of anger to weather. He doesn't expect the other to settle... even if for a moment to look at him and he can't read his expression -- not really. Huaisang's fan slides open again and the habit of fanning himself takes over it's really a nervous tic at time, a way to distract or a way to release anxiety. It's a useful thing. Right now the rhythm helps him keep his breathing calm, his pulse normal.
He scowls when the damned fan opens back up and Huaisang hides behind it. Even the claim the other means what he'd texted takes second place to the irritation. Jiang Cheng doesn't let himself stand to pace. Forces himself to remain seated, though his fingers dig into knees.
"You can't even look at me without hiding behind your fan. How can I believe it when you seem to believe I will hurt you?"
Ignoring the fact he probably will, even if unintentionally.
Huaisang's eyes widen and he lowers the fan, slowly closing it and his hands hold it tightly, a thumb rubbing over the decorative edge once it's closed.
"I don't believe you will hurt me."
He doesn't explain that it's not fear that's behind the habit. It doesn't matter right now.
Even though Huaisang still looks nervous. Jiang Cheng forces himself to take a breath, though it huffs out as more of a grumble than a sigh.
"You don't need to hide." He at least makes an attempt to speak less irritably. He grimaces at himself, gaze flicking away - uselessly looking for his phone without getting up.
"Why...did you choose now to tell me?" And because it would be So Like Wei Wuxian... "Did Wei Wuxian put you up to it?" Let him go strangle his brother okay? Yes. That would make him feel better.
Huaisang's eyes lower as the other mentions hiding and he lifts his shoulder. "It's not hiding exactly," he counters but again it's not what's important right now. He fidgets with the fan but he keeps it closed for Jiang Cheng. He owes him that after throwing this wrench into his life. He feels guilty. He should have kept it to himself -- he'd kept it to himself all these years and years...
"Not exactly..." Huaisang says quietly. "I was trying to get him to talk to Lan Wangji and he was being difficult and... he asked me who it is I loved and couldn't have and..." Huaisang shrugs helplessly.
"If I asked you if you were interested in men then he would talk to Lan Wangji finally. It was foolish."
Also your brother eloped...but that can come out later.
Jiang Cheng does appreciate the fact Huaisang doesn't open the fan again though. So he sits on impatience and temper to give the other a chance to talk. And then tsks and rolls his eyes when Lan Wangji is brought up.
"You clench your fist as if to remind yourself that zidian is there when you are upset, I use my fan when I am...when I need to center myself," Huaisang tries to explain, looking away from Jiang Cheng as he says it.
And he knew that saying Lan Wangji's name isn't the best idea but... it's the truth of the events.
"I told him that they were lucky that they loved each other and he asked me who I loved who didn't love me," Huaisang says carefully. What a terrible way to confess this is... this whole thing was foolish.
"And it's you. It's always been you. But I saw the way you looked at Wen Qing... and I know so you don't need to tell me."
He wants to deny the observation. Instead...the fact Huaisang had noticed? Makes him realize there is one person, other than Yanli, who had ever bothered noticing anything about him. He glances down at the hand which bears zidian, finding his thumb rubbing it absently. Habitually.
Just as he's observed Huaisang rubbing his fan.
It makes him feel horribly guilty, then. And angry - but that's normal. Angry that he'd been oblivious to so much.
'It's always been you.' Hearing it hurts. Thrilling, but also painful. And guilty, always guilty.
He can't even try to deny how he'd felt about Wen Qing. So he doesn't bother. He can guess, now, why Huaisang had never mentioned it before. Because of her.
"She's gone," he finally says, shortly, eyes flicking around wildly.
"You're not. I'm not."
He has no idea what he's saying, or implying, or what could be.
Huaisang can see Jiang Cheng realizing that what he said was true and in other circumstances he might have smiled -- laughed a little even -- but not now. He wants to melt into the ground, leaving all this bare after decades hiding his feelings and all for what? To hurry Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji along because it had been torture watching their stupid stubbornness all this time when they could have each other.
His brows furrow at the other's comment and he doesn't really know what he's saying either.
"But you don't have feelings for me. Are you even attracted to men?"
Jiang Cheng immediately bristles; "I didn't say that! Don't put words in my mouth!" Short. Sharp. Too harsh, just as his temper always is. Even when misplaced.
He regrets them as soon as they come out and actually, visibly, winces a little. He presses his lips closed and forces himself to be silent for a moment while he chews over what has been said, and what hasn't.
For once in his life. Someone other than family...likes him. Him! Someone finally chose him, out of everyone else! Everyone better, smarter, stronger, kinder than he is.
"You're perfect for me except for one thing," it bursts out, quietly as realization finally smacks him over the head. "It's not...that I'm not. Attracted to men." Disjointed, just as his thoughts as he struggles to put words to his own feelings, as he realizes what they are himself.
"I need heirs, Huaisang. So do you." An excuse...and he hates himself for giving it.
Huaisang almost took a step back when the others anger snaps at him, but
he’s not who he used to be. So he only turns his gaze away briefly because
the other denying something like that... what it could mean... after all
these years?
When the others admission ends on the mention of heirs Huaisang feels his
stomach twisting.
“I was not proposing marriage,” Huaisang says quietly, and the fan slips
open despite his determination not to. “You and I both know heirs do not
have to come from a wife anyway. You do not have to give me a reason to not
be with me.”
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no subject
Too much rides on his shoulders. He hadn't really even thought of marriage since Wen Qing's death. And suddenly this confession is foisted on him? Is it a joke? The thought that a sect leader, much less Nie Huaisang would say such a thing to him has him both boiling mad and...
Hurt.
So he hadn't responded. In truth he doesn't even know where his phone even is right now. Maybe by the docks...? Shit. He'll have to find it! And then he's told Huaisang has come to see him.
Shit! No time to search. The other man is shown in - he can't easily refuse such a visit, can he? But eventually, seated across a far too small room, watching Huaisang fan himself as usual...
'Thank you for seeing me.'
"What kind of fool do you take me for?" He lashes out, jaw working.
"You can't mean it."
no subject
"Why can't I mean it?" Huaisang asks, forcing himself to look up at Jiang Cheng. Jiang Cheng he'd always wanted and admired and loved. Jiang Cheng who terrifies him just as often as he awes him. But Huaisang is used to anger, to being lashed out at and it had never quite bothered him that the other had the tendency to lash out, to at times be scary.
Maybe that's part of why he likes him, especially after Mingjue...
no subject
He can't decide if he admires Huaisang for having the guts to come to him in person, or...not. So he defaults to just Angry. Easier than hurt.
Huaisang, who had brought Wei Wuxian back. Who had orchestrated Jin Guangyao's downfall. Huaisang...who is so much smarter than anyone had thought, including those who had known him for decades.
Huaisang who...if he were female...May well be perfect for him. The sudden thought startles him into staring at the other man for another moment, all set to bluster and rage. When it...settles.
"Do you...?" His brow furrows when he finally speaks again.
no subject
"I do mean it."
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"You can't even look at me without hiding behind your fan. How can I believe it when you seem to believe I will hurt you?"
Ignoring the fact he probably will, even if unintentionally.
no subject
"I don't believe you will hurt me."
He doesn't explain that it's not fear that's behind the habit. It doesn't matter right now.
no subject
Listened?
Even though Huaisang still looks nervous. Jiang Cheng forces himself to take a breath, though it huffs out as more of a grumble than a sigh.
"You don't need to hide." He at least makes an attempt to speak less irritably. He grimaces at himself, gaze flicking away - uselessly looking for his phone without getting up.
"Why...did you choose now to tell me?" And because it would be So Like Wei Wuxian... "Did Wei Wuxian put you up to it?" Let him go strangle his brother okay? Yes. That would make him feel better.
no subject
"Not exactly..." Huaisang says quietly. "I was trying to get him to talk to Lan Wangji and he was being difficult and... he asked me who it is I loved and couldn't have and..." Huaisang shrugs helplessly.
"If I asked you if you were interested in men then he would talk to Lan Wangji finally. It was foolish."
Also your brother eloped...but that can come out later.
no subject
Jiang Cheng does appreciate the fact Huaisang doesn't open the fan again though. So he sits on impatience and temper to give the other a chance to talk. And then tsks and rolls his eyes when Lan Wangji is brought up.
Wait.
What?
"...Can't have? What are you talking about?"
no subject
And he knew that saying Lan Wangji's name isn't the best idea but... it's the truth of the events.
"I told him that they were lucky that they loved each other and he asked me who I loved who didn't love me," Huaisang says carefully. What a terrible way to confess this is... this whole thing was foolish.
"And it's you. It's always been you. But I saw the way you looked at Wen Qing... and I know so you don't need to tell me."
no subject
Just as he's observed Huaisang rubbing his fan.
It makes him feel horribly guilty, then. And angry - but that's normal. Angry that he'd been oblivious to so much.
'It's always been you.' Hearing it hurts. Thrilling, but also painful. And guilty, always guilty.
He can't even try to deny how he'd felt about Wen Qing. So he doesn't bother. He can guess, now, why Huaisang had never mentioned it before. Because of her.
"She's gone," he finally says, shortly, eyes flicking around wildly.
"You're not. I'm not."
He has no idea what he's saying, or implying, or what could be.
no subject
His brows furrow at the other's comment and he doesn't really know what he's saying either.
"But you don't have feelings for me. Are you even attracted to men?"
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He regrets them as soon as they come out and actually, visibly, winces a little. He presses his lips closed and forces himself to be silent for a moment while he chews over what has been said, and what hasn't.
For once in his life. Someone other than family...likes him. Him! Someone finally chose him, out of everyone else! Everyone better, smarter, stronger, kinder than he is.
"You're perfect for me except for one thing," it bursts out, quietly as realization finally smacks him over the head. "It's not...that I'm not. Attracted to men." Disjointed, just as his thoughts as he struggles to put words to his own feelings, as he realizes what they are himself.
"I need heirs, Huaisang. So do you." An excuse...and he hates himself for giving it.
no subject
Huaisang almost took a step back when the others anger snaps at him, but he’s not who he used to be. So he only turns his gaze away briefly because the other denying something like that... what it could mean... after all these years?
When the others admission ends on the mention of heirs Huaisang feels his stomach twisting.
“I was not proposing marriage,” Huaisang says quietly, and the fan slips open despite his determination not to. “You and I both know heirs do not have to come from a wife anyway. You do not have to give me a reason to not be with me.”