Jin Ling does feel the tears prick more and some fall when he's wrapped in Sizhui's arms and he tries to blink it away quickly as he holds the other back and he lets out a shaky breath knowing that Sizhui can feel everything and that is terrifying a little -- a lot. He relaxes a little at the confirmation that he's not hated, that the other isn't totally disgusted with him.
"No... It's alright that he does," Jin Ling says, shaking his head. He is still holding close to Sizhui, kind of afraid to let him go as the other keeps talking and he's reassured again, it means more than he could ever express that the other is accepting of him.
He pulls back just a little bit so he could look at the other, confused. There's nothing in the world that could make him hate Sizhui. Even when the other confesses it surprises him. But Sizhui is nothing like the Wens he'd heard of...except maybe he does have some things in common with Wen Ning -- but Jin Ling had come to accept Wen Ning, the other had earned respect.
Sizhui does mean it when he says that he will need to sort himself out, but he also means every word that he is saying. He has no disgust nor hesitation about the facts that he's listed.
Nor this one, which he gives with the smile that Jin Ling's response brought in his eyes.
"And you're Jin Ling." Small nod. "So we both have things to learn about each other, and to figure out. But - your body, while attractive, isn't everything about you that I like? So it's not quite like what I expected or might have imagined. But - it was never going to be exactly like those anyway?
Jin Ling smiles a little and maybe he should have given Sizhui more credit than he had but then again his fears had more to do with himself than with Sizhui's character. It's a relief to have the truth out there to someone that matters so much.
And the reassurance makes Sizhui breathe more easily, too. He hugs a little tighter for a moment, then kind of. Tilts his head towards one of the seats.
"Let's sit down and settle a little? I really do need a bit of time to sort things out in my head, but I'd like to do so while close to you, if that's all right?"
Jin Ling nods and he lets himself enjoy the way the other tightened his
arms around him. He didn’t want him to let go but he lets the other so they
can go sit.
“Okay,” Jin Ling murmurs, not even sure how he feels or what he thinks. He
knows he doesn’t want to be far away from the other.
Jin Ling leans into Sizhui once the other's arm wraps around his waist and it seems like a safe thing for him to do at least. The other isn't trying to put distance between them after all. He chews at his bottom lip at the question.
"It's not always the same. Somedays my body doesn't really bother me, it...like it doesn't define who I am," Jin Ling's voice is soft. There's very few times he's spoken about things like this and he feels raw and vulnerable opening up to Sizhui about it.
"And then somedays I can't stand any of it, the things that feel like the don't belong," he makes a quick motion to his chest and then toward his lap.
Sizhui doesn't have a need to put distance between them for this, but he would without second thought if he thought it would make things easier for Jin Ling. But he knows it won't.
A nod, and a thoughtful hum as he listens. "It, um. If you tell me it is one of those days, I can avoid drawing attention to - the things that feel like they don't belong."
It's the best he can come up with. But he thinks he can figure out ways.
Sizhui shakes his head, not hesitating, arm tightening a little more.
"I'm not. I am not disgusted. I little confused because such a thing had not occurred to me so I do not know what all of it means, but. At a guess you are also figuring it out. So we can do that together."
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"No... It's alright that he does," Jin Ling says, shaking his head. He is still holding close to Sizhui, kind of afraid to let him go as the other keeps talking and he's reassured again, it means more than he could ever express that the other is accepting of him.
He pulls back just a little bit so he could look at the other, confused. There's nothing in the world that could make him hate Sizhui. Even when the other confesses it surprises him. But Sizhui is nothing like the Wens he'd heard of...except maybe he does have some things in common with Wen Ning -- but Jin Ling had come to accept Wen Ning, the other had earned respect.
"You're Lan Sizhui."
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Nor this one, which he gives with the smile that Jin Ling's response brought in his eyes.
"And you're Jin Ling." Small nod. "So we both have things to learn about each other, and to figure out. But - your body, while attractive, isn't everything about you that I like? So it's not quite like what I expected or might have imagined. But - it was never going to be exactly like those anyway?
"So we figure it out. Yes?"
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"We'll figure it out," Jin Ling agrees.
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"Let's sit down and settle a little? I really do need a bit of time to sort things out in my head, but I'd like to do so while close to you, if that's all right?"
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Jin Ling nods and he lets himself enjoy the way the other tightened his arms around him. He didn’t want him to let go but he lets the other so they can go sit.
“Okay,” Jin Ling murmurs, not even sure how he feels or what he thinks. He knows he doesn’t want to be far away from the other.
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It doesn't take long before he murmurs the first questions.
"So, it... your body isn't the way you need to be, yes? Which parts of that are difficult, and which aren't that bad?"
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"It's not always the same. Somedays my body doesn't really bother me, it...like it doesn't define who I am," Jin Ling's voice is soft. There's very few times he's spoken about things like this and he feels raw and vulnerable opening up to Sizhui about it.
"And then somedays I can't stand any of it, the things that feel like the don't belong," he makes a quick motion to his chest and then toward his lap.
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A nod, and a thoughtful hum as he listens. "It, um. If you tell me it is one of those days, I can avoid drawing attention to - the things that feel like they don't belong."
It's the best he can come up with. But he thinks he can figure out ways.
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"When I've pushed you away... it wasn't that usually. I just... was scared of you finding out and being disgusted by me."
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"I'm not. I am not disgusted. I little confused because such a thing had not occurred to me so I do not know what all of it means, but. At a guess you are also figuring it out. So we can do that together."
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Jin Ling bites at his bottom lip nervously even though the other is giving him words that should reassure him.
“How can you be sure? You’ve never touched... or ,” Jin Ling gestures aimlessly with his free hand. “What if you do and you don’t like it?”
But he does nod... “I’ve been trying to figure it all out for years.”