"No!" Huaisang protests quickly. Of course he could never think little of Xichen at all. He swallows and it's just... being discovered even by Xichen is overwhelming and terrifying -- maybe especially because it's Xichen and he cared so much what the other thought.
"I'm sorry," he is crying and he hates himself for it and he keeps his head turned because his hands still aren't free to wipe at his face furiously.
He immediately lets go when Huaisang apologizes, though mostly so he can reach up to wipe the tears with the sleeve of his robe while still channeling healing energy with his other hand.
"No," he says, swallowing again. "No, no apologies are needed. I might wish to know everything about you, but that does not mean you are obligated to oblige me."
He can only imagine how hard Huaisang must have had to work to keep this a secret for so long - and how devastating it must feel to have it ripped out into the open. As confused and mildly hurt as Lan Xichen might be, he is not entitled to all of Huaisang's secrets.
Huaisang doesn't push the other away as he wipes at his tears. He tries to keep anymore from falling and inhales shakily. He doesn't know what to do in this situation. This is something that was never supposed to happen after all. For all the other secrets he's kept this one is the longest one, the one that's closest to himself.
"Don't look at me differently," he murmurs finally. It's hard to know what to say.
"Never." It's out before he even thinks about it. He doesn't know what to think about any of this, but he does know that even if he manages to make sense of this and it gives him a new understanding of Huaisang - it could not make him look at him differently. This is, apparently, something that has been for as long as Lan Xichen had known Huaisang, which means that it is not something that could change him.
The healing talisman and his sharing of energy seems to have helped enough to stabilize him, though, so Lan Xichen cuts it off and pulls his hand back. He shrugs out of his overcoat, draping it over Huaisang and tugging it closed. His touch is very careful not to linger, now.
"Here is no place for me to ask you the questions I am not even sure how to put into words. But after we get you back, and settled, I would like to ask." He looks back up from the coat. "You can refuse me. Whatever your answers are, I will respect them."
Huaisang is grateful for the other's overcoat. It would keep any chance of accidental exposure at a minimum at least when they make their way back. His stomach is still in knots and it's hard to process that the secret he'd been able to keep so long had finally been uncovered.
"I will give you what answers I can," Huaisang says softly even if the thought scares him. He knows that he can trust Xichen even if he's afraid to trust him with this.
The relief that Lan Xichen feels when Huaisang doesn't immediately shut him out overwhelms the fact that he has no idea where to begin asking questions, for the moment. He nods, settling his overcoat a little more securely before he starts heading back.
"Will you allow me to tend to you, or is there someone you would prefer I call for?"
There must be at least a few people who know, he realizes. Trusted servants, probably, and if Huaisang would perfer, Lan Xichen would be happy to go get them.
But he selfishly hopes that Huaisang will allow him this, allow him to tend the injuries he couldn't protect him from getting. Even with how complicated the reveal of this secret makes things.
Huaisang’s first instinct is to call for his servants but Lan Xichen
already knows, doesn't he? It’s not as if there is anything left to hide
but it does make Huaisang nervous and unsettled even if he can trust the
other. So, he decides it might as well be Xichen that tends to him. The
other wants to ask questions after all. Huaisang exhales shakily, unable to
completely mask his mental state. It’s only Xichen…
His fan and held tightly in one hand as the other is holding onto the robe.
There's an echo of that shaky exhale when Huaisang says that he can do it, and he gives him a firm nod.
He has to resist the urge to slide his arm around Huaisang's shoulders and hold him protectively close as they walk. It is what he would have done before, without hesitation, just in case there was another attack - but he is not entirely sure Huaisang wants to be touched right now.
And, if he is honest, he is not sure if such a touch would have different connotations, now that he - well. He doesn't know anything, but he hopes to.
It's quick work to request medicinal supplies be sent to the rooms Huaisang is staying in when they get back, to give a brief explanation and a promise of a further report after their injuries are seen to. Once they're alone again, Lan Xichen pulls a few breaths in and out before he looks at Huaisang.
"I can look away for a moment, if you want to rewrap yourself. Only - may I see your back before you do, to ensure there are no injuries there?"
Huaisang certainly needed at least a little bit of time to himself, even if beside the other. Being touched wouldn't give him any chance to calm his mind or the anxiety twisting in his stomach and chest either. He's silent as they make it back to his rooms and even once they're there he takes his time before speaking.
"You can look," he says quietly after a long moment before hand. He starts to remove Xichen's robe and then his own clothes that are in tatters. He doesn't quite look at Xichen as he does this, letting the robes fall. He removes the binding as well and keeps that in his hands instead of dropping it down.
This is the first time someone that was not his brother, not trusted servants and the like that had ever seen him, seen the secret he's hidden the longest.
It's a fine balance between giving Huaisang the space he needs and the time to process this, and behaving no different than he normally would. When it comes to tending injuries, he would be gentle, but firm and insistent - and yet he finds himself hesitant, just a little.
Still, when Huaisang says he can look, he looks. He doesn't let his gaze linger, but he doesn't let it shy away, either. He purposefully focuses on the injuries, and lets everything else matter less than making sure Huaisang is okay. Lan Xichen moves closer, circling around behind him to get a better look.
He gently sweeps Huaisang's hair to the side to look over his back - some faint marks that will probably be bruises, likely from the ferocity of the creature's attack, but nothing like the gashes on his front. Satisfied, he moves back over to the supplies brought, pulling out what he suspects he'll need and dipping a cloth into warm water.
"Are you -" he starts, and then huffs out a soft laugh at himself, shaking his head. This is Huaisang. He said he would not look at him differently, and he means it. "A-Sang, if I say something incorrect, please forgive me, and correct my faulty assumption. I hardly know what to say, except to just ask. I have always believed you to be a man - am I still correct?"
Huaisang sucks in a breath as the other moves his hair and he understands the practicality of it but there's a tingly feeling where the other's fingers brush his skin in the process and he could almost laugh at it. Foolish. He bites down on his lip until the other moves around again and once more he's trying to school how off balance he is out of his expression.
He tilts his head as he looks at the other briefly. It's strange to see Xichen off balance as well. It's such a rare thing for even a little bit of flustered to appear. He can appreciate it.
There's a slight tenseness at the start and stop of a question and then the laugh even though he does know better. He curls his fingers into his palms and lets the press of nails against soft flesh center his mind.
"Yes... but obviously..." Huaisang works his jaw for a moment. "Obviously that is all in my head," he murmurs. This sort of thing is rare and even he hasn't completely wrapped his mind around it only to know how he saw himself, the struggles with what felt wrong when he looked at himself, that felt wrong even when he was very young.
He cannot remember the last time he felt this awkward at all, let alone around Huaisang. Possibly when they were teenagers, and there was the time when he noticed Huaisang far more than he should have, with his best friend's younger brother, but he got that under control long ago.
They're both off balance now, it seems, and he hardly knows what to make of it. There's a surge of guilt when he notices the way Huaisang tenses, the way his hands clench - and with Huaisang's response, suddenly he finds that he doesn't need to know the answers to the other questions he had. He doesn't need to know why, or how long, or anything other than that this is Huaisang.
He pulls in a breath and lets it out. Huaisang is the most important thing, here, and all that matters is making sure he feels supported.
"I could recite a multitude of literature around what it is to be a man, the virtues that one must exemplify, but none of them matter. None of them matter, because they are not you."
He reaches out to take Huaisang's hands in his, eyes earnest as they focus on Huaisang's.
"Your mind and your heart are the best parts of you, A-Sang. If they say that you are a man, then let no one else disagree."
Huaisang isn't sure what he expects from Xichen's reaction but the other does surprise him. Maybe he expected recitations. That wouldn't be completely out of the norm for Xichen after all but... the way the other took his hands instead and even if Huaisang isn't looking at him he can feel the weight of his eyes until he does meet them.
"You know none of that would matter if this got out," Huaisang says quietly and he's still exposed and self conscious and there is some pain that's starting to become more insistent. He slowly draws his hands away.
"How can you look at me and say it?"
Because Huaisang knew even his brother had thought him a little mad but he had indulged this one thing with Huaisang.
No, none of that would matter, and Lan Xichen inclines his head in acknowledgement. Lan Xichen hardly understands it himself - it is only because it is Huaisang, and there is very little that he would not support him in, that he is so firm in his own conviction. He can't understand what it is like, to have been born in one gender and know in his head and his heart that he is another - but he can understand being born in an assigned role with a mountain of expectations, and feeling like you cannot measure up to them.
He doesn't make the comparison, because it is so far from the same thing that it feels insulting to even think it, but - he knows Huaisang. He knows how clever he is, how creative he is, he knows where Huaisang's passions lie and where they do not, and how it likely would have been simpler to pursue them were he not the only male heir to the Nie sect. Huaisang is... he is Huaisang, he is not mad or confused or anything else, not if this is how he has always been.
His grip tightens on Huaisang's briefly, when he starts pulling his hands away, but he lets them go.
"How can I know you and not say it?"
He goes back to the supplies, moving them over to place them beside the bed.
Huaisang lifted a shoulder helplessly. He doesn't know. He'd never expected this sort of reaction in his head he had built up the walls for if someone found out they would surely be disgusted with him and think him crazy or worse. He watches as the other gathers things up and his arms wrapped around himself.
But when he's asked to lay down he moves quietly to do so, his heart racing and he's flushed and he curses himself for. This certainly isn't how he'd always imagined being asked to get into a bed for Xichen.
He quickly shoves the thought away and closes his eyes with a heavy sigh.
It's a reasonable expectation, all things considered. Were it anyone else, that probably would be the reaction. But even if Lan Xichen doesn't understand it, he would never dismiss something so clearly important to someone. Especially not when that someone is Huaisang.
There's a rough swallow when he sees Huaisang's flush, and for a brief moment, imagines having said those words in another context. But he cuts that off, a little angry with himself. He had never intended on telling Huaisang about his feelings for him, and thinking about it now, when the other is already so vulnerable, is completely inappropriate.
He carefully peels Huaisang's tattered clothes and his own overcoat back from his chest and stomach. He'd remove them entirely, but he isn't sure how comfortable Huaisang would be with Lan Xichen stripping him bare right now - and he is going to have to push his pants down as well, at some point, to clean and bandage the gashes there.
For now he wrings out the cloth and gently begins wiping the dirt and blood from around his injuries. Despite his care, his hands still brush against Huaisang's breasts during his movements, and the tips of his ears go a little red.
"Please tell me if you're uncomfortable," he murmurs.
There's a point where he does just push the clothes off completely, leaving just the trousers. He's flushing again as the other starts to clean him, the touches gentle but they... fluster him and probably not in the way that the other's expecting. Each brush of the other's hands against his breasts as warmth shooting between his legs. He's never been able to help how sensitive the flesh was. The nipples were growing hard and taunt and he could blame it on the cool air but he knew better. How embarrassing is this? The other is merely cleaning his wounds and Huaisang is getting aroused. He curses himself inwardly and notes the way the other's ears are going somewhat red as well. He has to bite back a small smile at that.
"No," he answers with a slight waver in his voice but it's true. It should make him uncomfortable but maybe it's the way the other had accepted Huaisang's identity had not argued it and had simply accepted that he's still a man that allows him to be comfortable if not still embarrassed. Just now, he's embarrassed and aroused and god, please do not notice Xichen.
Oh, he notices. He notices, and it's a little difficult for him to believe that this is real - it is practically right out of one of his fantasies, the handful of times he had allow himself to go far enough to imagine being with Huaisang. His friend injured, tending gently to his wounds, allowing his hands to linger when Huaisang began to respond to his touch - he bites the inside of his cheek, both to make sure that this is in fact real, and to remind himself that allowing his hands to linger in this case is highly inappropriate.
Should he ask? Should he acknowledge it and at the very least give them both an out, mention that it is normal to respond to such a tender touch, especially when it is done by someone you are close with? Will that make it more or less awkward than continuing as though he hasn't noticed anything?
Or perhaps even acknowledging it would be too much. Perhaps Huaisang does not want another to see his body in such a state, does not want to be reminded of what he has tried so hard to conceal. He hesitates long enough that drawing attention to it would be awkward, however, which he supposes means his decision has been made for him.
"Good," he says, his voice a little rough, and he swallows around it to clear it. "I would never want to do anything to make you uncomfortable. You are - you are very important to me, Huaisang."
He finishes with his chest and abdomen, and dips the cloth back into the water basin to rinse it clean. Then he gently loosens the laces of Huaisang's trousers, looking back up at him for permission before he pulls them down over his hips.
For a bit there, Huaisang is willing Xichen to say something, to notice even if that is something that he shouldn't do. He curls his hands into fists and every touch is electric on his skin. He almost thinks that the other does notice that he's going to say something but then he doesn't. He exhales shakily not realizing that he's been holding his breath.
"You're very important to me too... you... you never make me uncomfortable," and that is truth. Perhaps the situation of suddenly being discovered had made him uncomfortable and scared but that was not the fault of Xichen at all.
Huaisang sucks in a sharp breath but he nods as the other goes to his trousers, hand grasping at the bedding and if the other hadn't noticed his arousal before he very might now notice it. Huaisang presses his thighs together to try and hide the evidence, turning his head to the side. But the injuries to his thighs are quite serious and they can't be left untended.
He was foolish, to think that he could so easily pretend that he did not notice. The air is heavy between them, and it is not just because Lan Xichen is now aware of the secret that Huaisang had tried so hard to keep. He can see it in the shuddering breaths and the clenched fists, the way his nipples have pebbled, the press of his thighs as he tries to hide it.
Lan Xichen is hardly so naive that he would be oblivious to the reactions he is causing, and he is not so restrained that he's able to prevent himself from responding in return. He forces himself to keep his breathing slow and steady as he gently but firmly spreads Huaisang's thighs enough that he can tend to his injuries. His hands clench in the cloth as he cleans him up, to try to prevent himself from lingering - and still he fails, just a little, fingertips brushing over the insides of his thighs.
He swallows as he finishes, reaching for the salve instead to begin spreading it over the worst of his injuries.
"I should not ask this of you, when you have already shared so much with me tonight. But I-" He falters, briefly, acutely aware that this is hardly an opportune moment for this. But he cannot keep pretending, and since Huaisang has already been forced to be honest with him enough tonight - surely he can return the favor. "I cannot help but notice your reaction, and I want - I have wanted this, with you."
Huaisang has to bite back a whimper as the other spreads his leg and he turns his head to the side, fully blushing now. A part of him knows that there's no hiding the arousal. He still tries to as much as he can, but his breath catches at certain movements of the other's fingers on his sensitive inner thighs that have his body aching to be touched more directly -- more purposefully.
Huaisang remains quiet as the other works and he doesn't even think of speaking as the other starts to. He's flushing all the way down his neck when the other points out that he does indeed notice. And..the last part is hard to believe at the moment. He swallows heavily, closing his eyes.
"It was," he agrees, his heart thudding loudly in his chest. He wasn't sure what worried him more - that Huaisang would think he was only interested in women and only wanted him now that he knew his secret, or that Huaisang would think he was interested in men but did not want him any more. It seems the second is where Huaisang had gone, and it feels - a little easier, now that Lan Xichen knows what assurances he needs to give. "It still is."
He's done applying the salve, now, but he doesn't take his hands away, instead leaving them resting on Huaisang's thighs.
"If you don't want this, I will understand. But I want you, very much."
Huaisang is very, very aware of the other's hands on his thighs, the weight of them and how he wants them touching him far more thoroughly. His body is sore but that doesn't seem to matter to him at the moment. He looks up at Xichen and there's a certain shyness. He's never been shy about things before but this... he's never been this vulnerable before either.
Oh. His heart clenches with the way Huaisang looks at him, shy and soft and vulnerable, and he's leaning in closer before he even realizes. He just barely manages to stop himself before he kisses him, hovering just a few inches away from his lips.
"I want to kiss you," he murmurs. "I want to make you feel good, A-Sang, but I do not want to go where such touch is not welcome. If you allow me - is there anywhere you do not want me to touch?"
Maybe his answer to that question won't always be the same, Huaisang doesn't have any way of knowing really. But he lifts his head to kiss him, quick and soft before he answers.
"Today as long as you see me as a man you can touch me anywhere," he murmurs, the other understands him, respects him and Huaisang feels safe right now. There's a moment of hesitation and then he gently takes the other's wrist and guides his hand back to his inner thigh, breathing getting heavier with nerves, with anticipation.
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"I'm sorry," he is crying and he hates himself for it and he keeps his head turned because his hands still aren't free to wipe at his face furiously.
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"No," he says, swallowing again. "No, no apologies are needed. I might wish to know everything about you, but that does not mean you are obligated to oblige me."
He can only imagine how hard Huaisang must have had to work to keep this a secret for so long - and how devastating it must feel to have it ripped out into the open. As confused and mildly hurt as Lan Xichen might be, he is not entitled to all of Huaisang's secrets.
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"Don't look at me differently," he murmurs finally. It's hard to know what to say.
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The healing talisman and his sharing of energy seems to have helped enough to stabilize him, though, so Lan Xichen cuts it off and pulls his hand back. He shrugs out of his overcoat, draping it over Huaisang and tugging it closed. His touch is very careful not to linger, now.
"Here is no place for me to ask you the questions I am not even sure how to put into words. But after we get you back, and settled, I would like to ask." He looks back up from the coat. "You can refuse me. Whatever your answers are, I will respect them."
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"I will give you what answers I can," Huaisang says softly even if the thought scares him. He knows that he can trust Xichen even if he's afraid to trust him with this.
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"Will you allow me to tend to you, or is there someone you would prefer I call for?"
There must be at least a few people who know, he realizes. Trusted servants, probably, and if Huaisang would perfer, Lan Xichen would be happy to go get them.
But he selfishly hopes that Huaisang will allow him this, allow him to tend the injuries he couldn't protect him from getting. Even with how complicated the reveal of this secret makes things.
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Huaisang’s first instinct is to call for his servants but Lan Xichen already knows, doesn't he? It’s not as if there is anything left to hide but it does make Huaisang nervous and unsettled even if he can trust the other. So, he decides it might as well be Xichen that tends to him. The other wants to ask questions after all. Huaisang exhales shakily, unable to completely mask his mental state. It’s only Xichen…
His fan and held tightly in one hand as the other is holding onto the robe.
“You can do it,” he finally says, voice low.
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He has to resist the urge to slide his arm around Huaisang's shoulders and hold him protectively close as they walk. It is what he would have done before, without hesitation, just in case there was another attack - but he is not entirely sure Huaisang wants to be touched right now.
And, if he is honest, he is not sure if such a touch would have different connotations, now that he - well. He doesn't know anything, but he hopes to.
It's quick work to request medicinal supplies be sent to the rooms Huaisang is staying in when they get back, to give a brief explanation and a promise of a further report after their injuries are seen to. Once they're alone again, Lan Xichen pulls a few breaths in and out before he looks at Huaisang.
"I can look away for a moment, if you want to rewrap yourself. Only - may I see your back before you do, to ensure there are no injuries there?"
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"You can look," he says quietly after a long moment before hand. He starts to remove Xichen's robe and then his own clothes that are in tatters. He doesn't quite look at Xichen as he does this, letting the robes fall. He removes the binding as well and keeps that in his hands instead of dropping it down.
This is the first time someone that was not his brother, not trusted servants and the like that had ever seen him, seen the secret he's hidden the longest.
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Still, when Huaisang says he can look, he looks. He doesn't let his gaze linger, but he doesn't let it shy away, either. He purposefully focuses on the injuries, and lets everything else matter less than making sure Huaisang is okay. Lan Xichen moves closer, circling around behind him to get a better look.
He gently sweeps Huaisang's hair to the side to look over his back - some faint marks that will probably be bruises, likely from the ferocity of the creature's attack, but nothing like the gashes on his front. Satisfied, he moves back over to the supplies brought, pulling out what he suspects he'll need and dipping a cloth into warm water.
"Are you -" he starts, and then huffs out a soft laugh at himself, shaking his head. This is Huaisang. He said he would not look at him differently, and he means it. "A-Sang, if I say something incorrect, please forgive me, and correct my faulty assumption. I hardly know what to say, except to just ask. I have always believed you to be a man - am I still correct?"
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He tilts his head as he looks at the other briefly. It's strange to see Xichen off balance as well. It's such a rare thing for even a little bit of flustered to appear. He can appreciate it.
There's a slight tenseness at the start and stop of a question and then the laugh even though he does know better. He curls his fingers into his palms and lets the press of nails against soft flesh center his mind.
"Yes... but obviously..." Huaisang works his jaw for a moment. "Obviously that is all in my head," he murmurs. This sort of thing is rare and even he hasn't completely wrapped his mind around it only to know how he saw himself, the struggles with what felt wrong when he looked at himself, that felt wrong even when he was very young.
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They're both off balance now, it seems, and he hardly knows what to make of it. There's a surge of guilt when he notices the way Huaisang tenses, the way his hands clench - and with Huaisang's response, suddenly he finds that he doesn't need to know the answers to the other questions he had. He doesn't need to know why, or how long, or anything other than that this is Huaisang.
He pulls in a breath and lets it out. Huaisang is the most important thing, here, and all that matters is making sure he feels supported.
"I could recite a multitude of literature around what it is to be a man, the virtues that one must exemplify, but none of them matter. None of them matter, because they are not you."
He reaches out to take Huaisang's hands in his, eyes earnest as they focus on Huaisang's.
"Your mind and your heart are the best parts of you, A-Sang. If they say that you are a man, then let no one else disagree."
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"You know none of that would matter if this got out," Huaisang says quietly and he's still exposed and self conscious and there is some pain that's starting to become more insistent. He slowly draws his hands away.
"How can you look at me and say it?"
Because Huaisang knew even his brother had thought him a little mad but he had indulged this one thing with Huaisang.
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He doesn't make the comparison, because it is so far from the same thing that it feels insulting to even think it, but - he knows Huaisang. He knows how clever he is, how creative he is, he knows where Huaisang's passions lie and where they do not, and how it likely would have been simpler to pursue them were he not the only male heir to the Nie sect. Huaisang is... he is Huaisang, he is not mad or confused or anything else, not if this is how he has always been.
His grip tightens on Huaisang's briefly, when he starts pulling his hands away, but he lets them go.
"How can I know you and not say it?"
He goes back to the supplies, moving them over to place them beside the bed.
"Will you lay down for me?"
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But when he's asked to lay down he moves quietly to do so, his heart racing and he's flushed and he curses himself for. This certainly isn't how he'd always imagined being asked to get into a bed for Xichen.
He quickly shoves the thought away and closes his eyes with a heavy sigh.
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There's a rough swallow when he sees Huaisang's flush, and for a brief moment, imagines having said those words in another context. But he cuts that off, a little angry with himself. He had never intended on telling Huaisang about his feelings for him, and thinking about it now, when the other is already so vulnerable, is completely inappropriate.
He carefully peels Huaisang's tattered clothes and his own overcoat back from his chest and stomach. He'd remove them entirely, but he isn't sure how comfortable Huaisang would be with Lan Xichen stripping him bare right now - and he is going to have to push his pants down as well, at some point, to clean and bandage the gashes there.
For now he wrings out the cloth and gently begins wiping the dirt and blood from around his injuries. Despite his care, his hands still brush against Huaisang's breasts during his movements, and the tips of his ears go a little red.
"Please tell me if you're uncomfortable," he murmurs.
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"No," he answers with a slight waver in his voice but it's true. It should make him uncomfortable but maybe it's the way the other had accepted Huaisang's identity had not argued it and had simply accepted that he's still a man that allows him to be comfortable if not still embarrassed. Just now, he's embarrassed and aroused and god, please do not notice Xichen.
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Should he ask? Should he acknowledge it and at the very least give them both an out, mention that it is normal to respond to such a tender touch, especially when it is done by someone you are close with? Will that make it more or less awkward than continuing as though he hasn't noticed anything?
Or perhaps even acknowledging it would be too much. Perhaps Huaisang does not want another to see his body in such a state, does not want to be reminded of what he has tried so hard to conceal. He hesitates long enough that drawing attention to it would be awkward, however, which he supposes means his decision has been made for him.
"Good," he says, his voice a little rough, and he swallows around it to clear it. "I would never want to do anything to make you uncomfortable. You are - you are very important to me, Huaisang."
He finishes with his chest and abdomen, and dips the cloth back into the water basin to rinse it clean. Then he gently loosens the laces of Huaisang's trousers, looking back up at him for permission before he pulls them down over his hips.
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"You're very important to me too... you... you never make me uncomfortable," and that is truth. Perhaps the situation of suddenly being discovered had made him uncomfortable and scared but that was not the fault of Xichen at all.
Huaisang sucks in a sharp breath but he nods as the other goes to his trousers, hand grasping at the bedding and if the other hadn't noticed his arousal before he very might now notice it. Huaisang presses his thighs together to try and hide the evidence, turning his head to the side. But the injuries to his thighs are quite serious and they can't be left untended.
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Lan Xichen is hardly so naive that he would be oblivious to the reactions he is causing, and he is not so restrained that he's able to prevent himself from responding in return. He forces himself to keep his breathing slow and steady as he gently but firmly spreads Huaisang's thighs enough that he can tend to his injuries. His hands clench in the cloth as he cleans him up, to try to prevent himself from lingering - and still he fails, just a little, fingertips brushing over the insides of his thighs.
He swallows as he finishes, reaching for the salve instead to begin spreading it over the worst of his injuries.
"I should not ask this of you, when you have already shared so much with me tonight. But I-" He falters, briefly, acutely aware that this is hardly an opportune moment for this. But he cannot keep pretending, and since Huaisang has already been forced to be honest with him enough tonight - surely he can return the favor. "I cannot help but notice your reaction, and I want - I have wanted this, with you."
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Huaisang remains quiet as the other works and he doesn't even think of speaking as the other starts to. He's flushing all the way down his neck when the other points out that he does indeed notice. And..the last part is hard to believe at the moment. He swallows heavily, closing his eyes.
"That was before you knew..."
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He's done applying the salve, now, but he doesn't take his hands away, instead leaving them resting on Huaisang's thighs.
"If you don't want this, I will understand. But I want you, very much."
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"I want you...this."
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"I want to kiss you," he murmurs. "I want to make you feel good, A-Sang, but I do not want to go where such touch is not welcome. If you allow me - is there anywhere you do not want me to touch?"
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"Today as long as you see me as a man you can touch me anywhere," he murmurs, the other understands him, respects him and Huaisang feels safe right now. There's a moment of hesitation and then he gently takes the other's wrist and guides his hand back to his inner thigh, breathing getting heavier with nerves, with anticipation.
"I trust you."
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