[ Open Post 2020 ]

[fishtanks]

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[garrrr]

"Just not in the right frame of mind to enjoy it," Gar says and that's pretty much the truth of it. His arms slip away and he just crosses them again. He goes to the edge of the rooftop looking out.

"I'm thinking I'm not good enough... and I don't deserve you."

And there were more than a few things in his past that make those particular feelings be where he gets hyperfocused on.

"And that it hurts a lot to feel like you don't trust me and..." he shakes his head, a shrug. "Just... you don't trust me."

He can't admit that he feels unwanted. It feels wrong to say even what he's already said.

[hybrid_prince]

Well, what had he done with that conversation to earn trust?

"I trust you, Gar. You... you know who I am. That secret is in my team and three or four Avengers. No one else."

[garrrr]

"I know everything I say is wrong," Gar mutters which is why he didn't want to say anything about himself.

"I'm sorry."

[hybrid_prince]

"Woah," Teddy says, frowning. "That's not what I'm saying. I don't... I don't think that, Gar. Not at all."

[garrrr]

"You asked what I'm feeling..." Gar leans against the ledge, his elbows on it and his hands cupping over his head and he takes a few deep breaths.

"How can you even love me or want me? Billy's like... perfect and I'm just not."

[hybrid_prince]

Wait, what? Teddy is glad Gar isn't facing him right now because he can't see the flash of anger on Teddy's face.

"Billy isn't even remotely perfect. He's a highly flawed man who acted like I didn't even have any agency of my own. He magicked my dead mother back, without asking me, and almost got me eaten by an interdimensional space parasite. He lied</> to me about it too."

[garrrr]

It's not exactly like Gar knew much about Billy. Everything he did know made him sound like he was way better at everything than Gar. He frowns and he doesn't turn around.

"Sorry," Gar says again because he can tell he stepped on a land mine. "Can we just stop talking about my feelings before we just fight again? I'm not good at this... I don't... I just put stuff away because everyone needs me to be the happy one and I'm better at that."

[hybrid_prince]

"I don't need you to be happy, Gar. We're... we're in a relationship. We're supposed to be honest with one another."

He sighs and moves to lean against the wall further down.

"The first time Billy and I were ever... intimate was a few weeks before we broke up. I guess I'm just kinda scared, on some level, that if we get there, I won't be what you want anymore."

[garrrr]

"I'm not dishonest. I don't... If it's not good I don't know how to be open. And I'm trying but I feel like everything I say just makes it worse. This was all my fault it's not even right that I feel the way I feel."

Gar drops his head further down. "I would never stop wanting you, Teddy."

[hybrid_prince]

"It was my fault too, Gar. I didn't explain all of why i made me feel weird," Teddy sighs. And he's definitely sad too.

"B said the same thing. So forgive me if it is going to take time to believe that as deeply as I should."

[garrrr]

Teddy had never really explicitly said he didn't want to and it had made it all confusing but Gar should have known better somehow. He bites his lip.

"So I guess I am up against him anyway." There's only a second before Gar says "I'm sorry that's not really fair."

Gar lifts his shoulders. "I'm just... I never feel good enough.. for the Titans, for you. Because you're amazing and I'm just a nerd who was experimented on."

[hybrid_prince]

"You're not the only one that was experimented on," Teddy mumbles, but he moves to put a hand on Gar's shoulder.

"You make me happy. That's amazing. I hadn't thought a guy could do that for me again."

[garrrr]

Gar tilts his head so his cheek presses against the other's hand. He almost says something related to what Cadmus had done to him but he hadn't told Teddy about that. There was still too much guilt and shame and it's better in it's box deep in the recesses of his mind and only coming out for nightmares most of the time.

"I'm good at that," Gar says. Finally he pushes away from the ledge and turns to press close to Teddy, his arms wrapped around him to hug him tight. "I don't want to lose you."

[hybrid_prince]

"I don't want to be lost. You're... It's hard, you know, living life as a shifter. No one gets it. Except, well, except you. And you're a nerd too and you care about me, and you're warm. You make any room you walk into fill with light."

And he definitely likes the guy. A lot.

[garrrr]

Gar bites his lip and he can't help how a smile tugs at his lip. He hugs close to him then and gives into that.

"Can you stay for a while?"

[hybrid_prince]

"Yeah. Gar, I'll stay as long as you want."

It comes with a relationship.

[garrrr]

"Are you still upset with me?" Gar asks, glancing up to meet Teddy's eyes finally.

[hybrid_prince]

"I'm... scared that this is going to hurt us. But I don't think I'm upset."

And he has to deal with it.

[garrrr]

"I just...want you to be happy," Gar says and really that's true. It's generally his motivation with people in his life.

"Let's go to the tower?"

[hybrid_prince]

"And I want you to be happy too," Teddy counters. "It's a two way street."

The tower is far to go, he doesn't really want that. He doesn't want to lose the neutral ground here.

[garrrr]

Gar doesn't press when Teddy doesn't answer. He bites his lip and he lifts his shoulders.

"I'm always happy."

[hybrid_prince]

"Gar? I'm a shapeshifter, in a way that you aren't. I learned long ago how to make it so that I'm always smiling. How to hide everything that hurts or scares me or anything like that. And... I know how hard it is to make those fake smiles get to your eyes."

Teddy frowns softly.

"I want to make it so your smiles are real."

[garrrr]

Gar looks down and really most people didn't see through him. They saw his smile and his friendliness and his compassion and that's all they thought there was. Even Dick tends to only see what Gar shows on the outside and thinks he's fine and he's been anything but fine. He opens his mouth to say something but nothing comes out.

Instead he feels his eyes burning and that's... the worst. "You make me happy," he finally says, he makes him happy more than anyone. "I'm just... sort of damaged otherwise," he mutters and maybe that's one of the most open things he's admitted to Teddy since they've met.

[hybrid_prince]

Oh dear. He reaches out and pulls Gar into his arms. Holds him.

"I want you to be happier, Gar. I want those smiles to come from your heart being full of joy and love."

[garrrr]

"I don't deserve that, Teddy," Gar sags against him but his arms wrap around him, holding him close but his face is pressed into his chest.