The closest in recent years had been down in the depths, where he'd expected them to die together. When he'd tried so hard to save his little brother, only for Huaisang to follow him down.
And then for Huaisang to save him, instead.
"No," he answers, wearily. "I would not. But our people would have you."
In the presence of Mingjue, it's hard not to revert to his old self, the him that existed before Mingjue died, before he started to understand all his responsibilities after seeing people die for him, after learning what it is his clan did.
"I don't want to be there," Huaisang says and he finally lets go of his cup, his hand going to the other's arm gripping it as if to make sure he is really there and the closest he can come to a hug and not come undone he's sure. "I couldn't lose you again, da ge!"
Being sect leader is no small thing. It weighs on one's mind and spirit. Mingjue knows. And he knows his brother's heart and his strengths.
He doesn't shove Huaisang's grasp off, though he also doesn't immediately return it. Only stares at the younger man, watchful. Noting the clear signs of grief and pain and knowing without doubt what had happened to put them there.
"Then I have failed to prepare you." Harsh words, he knows. But he is not a gentle man.
"How could you have prepared me for this?" Huaisang says and the words come out more harshly than he intends. He knows Mingjue knows him well enough that when he speaks further it won't be a shock to him.
"How could you have prepared me for your murder and the betrayal of someone considered family? Am I so wrong to not want to lose you again?"
Huaisang's voice doesn't waver, the steel resolve that had come after Mingjue's death showing. And Mingjue had always been above the clan for him, nothing had changed that.
"And I'm not you."
He can't lead the way that Mingjue did and he hasn't even begun to figure out how he leads.
The tone is actually reassuring. He knows his brother feels everything keenly. That he's perhaps more brittle than Mingjue himself is. He still sends a sharp look Huaisang's way, waiting for the rest to be said.
He's not disappointed. And he's a little proud of how steady his brother's voice is. The steel that has finally grown. That is why he finally claps a hand over his brother's and squeezes it.
"If you had listened you would be better prepared to lead. You would have everything you need."
Except him.
"Find one person you can trust. Lean on them. You will learn." Huaisang has to.
"I listened," Huaisang says but he'd also been in denial about Mingjue actually dying anytime soon. He'd spent too long thinking of him as invincible. He kept thinking later...later...later... The other's hand clasping over his makes him close his eyes because he has to stay composed. He can't fall apart and sob on his brother. He can't ever really fall apart again. Because while Mingjue is here at home there is no one. He shakes his head.
"I understand how to lead... You gave me everything but all I want is revenge. I can't trust anyone, da ge. How could I trust anyone now?"
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no subject
And then for Huaisang to save him, instead.
"No," he answers, wearily. "I would not. But our people would have you."
no subject
"I don't want to be there," Huaisang says and he finally lets go of his cup, his hand going to the other's arm gripping it as if to make sure he is really there and the closest he can come to a hug and not come undone he's sure. "I couldn't lose you again, da ge!"
It's selfish.
no subject
He doesn't shove Huaisang's grasp off, though he also doesn't immediately return it. Only stares at the younger man, watchful. Noting the clear signs of grief and pain and knowing without doubt what had happened to put them there.
"Then I have failed to prepare you." Harsh words, he knows. But he is not a gentle man.
no subject
"How could you have prepared me for your murder and the betrayal of someone considered family? Am I so wrong to not want to lose you again?"
Huaisang's voice doesn't waver, the steel resolve that had come after Mingjue's death showing. And Mingjue had always been above the clan for him, nothing had changed that.
"And I'm not you."
He can't lead the way that Mingjue did and he hasn't even begun to figure out how he leads.
no subject
He's not disappointed. And he's a little proud of how steady his brother's voice is. The steel that has finally grown. That is why he finally claps a hand over his brother's and squeezes it.
"If you had listened you would be better prepared to lead. You would have everything you need."
Except him.
"Find one person you can trust. Lean on them. You will learn." Huaisang has to.
no subject
"I understand how to lead... You gave me everything but all I want is revenge. I can't trust anyone, da ge. How could I trust anyone now?"