secureserver | All Things The Untamed

Huaisang hadn’t been paying attention at all to anything but Xichen. It’s easy to get lost in conversation with him and well, the attack is sudden. Huaisang had no idea how to fight back and had been utterly useless as the creature sharp claws dug at him and all he could do was try and shield more vital areas.

There were deep gashes on his arms and thighs and one that started at his chest and went down. It hurt badly and yet Huaisang seems more worried about trying to cover himself where his robe was torn. The effort doubled as Xichen started pulling at his robes and panic took hold.

“N...no, I’m fine. Let’s just get back,” he is clearly not fine but he’s stubborn and if they can get back he can turn to one of the few servants that know his secret to help him. He can’t let anyone find out, not even Xichen. With the way his robe is torn it’s easy to see that he has a cloth wrapped right around his chest, though the reason is still hidden at least.

Huaisang is not one to handle physical pain well and yet he’s trying, and he’s still terrified that thing would return although he trusts Xichen would be ready for it now.

His brows furrow as Huaisang tries to hide himself, insisting he's fine - his immediate assumption is that he's trying to hide the extent of his injuries, which only worries him more.

Especially when he sees the cloth wrapped around Huaisang's chest - if he was already injured, this would only make it worse. But why would he have hid it from him? Because he didn't want him to worry, perhaps, or -

He doesn't know, but the why isn't the point right now.

"A-Sang, please - you are most certainly not fine. You can barely stand, how could I claim to care about you at all if I did not insist?"

His touch is gentle, but he still tries to capture both of Huaisang's hands, to hold them still.

If Huaisang didn't have bigger worries he might have been interested in trying to hide the extent of the injuries or really -- no he wouldn't He would have loved being tented to by Xichen but now it was a source of panic. And Huaisang is too weak and in too much pain to be able to properly fend Xichen off. So when the other tries he does capture Huaisang's hands.

"Please, I'm fine," Huaisang insists because that's all he could do. "I'm fine." With the other having a hold of him he can't keep his robes together and the other would figure out too quickly.

He doesn't understand. He would never say that Huaisang isn't brave - personally, he finds the other exceptionally brave, when one understands that bravery does not mean the absence of fear - but he would also never say that Huaisang is unintelligent, and refusing to allow him to help when the other is so obviously in pain is hardly intelligent.

There are few things that Lan Xichen could not be swayed to do, for Huaisang, as he well knows - but allowing him to continue to be in pain, to make his injuries worse, is one of them.

He traps Huaisang's hands in one of his, fingers wrapping firmly around both wrists and holding them in place. With his other hand he pulls open the tattered robes around Huaisang's chest. The cloth wrapped around it must have gotten cut as well, because some of it comes with the robes as he opens them up. Which he thinks nothing of, until the movement makes it loosen enough to slip down and reveal what it had been concealing.

Not an injury, as he had suspected, and Lan Xichen freezes.

Huaisang feels a flush starting at his neck that's not just from the pain or fear but it's humiliation. He can't do anything as the other has his wrists held and even if Huaisang tried to free them Xichen is simply stronger than he is and he wouldn't win. No, as his robes are opened and the cloth slips and he knows...

Tears well in his eyes and his head is turned to the side, no one is ever supposed to find out. He'd given up so much for this and now a stupid freak attack and years... all for nothing. He wants to cover himself back up and in the humiliation he's practically forgotten how much it all hurts.

"I'm fine," Huaisang forces out shakily as the other doesn't even say anything, he tries tug his wrists free so he can hold the robes together once more.

He still doesn't understand. There are so many questions half formed in his mind - most of them involving how and why - but Huaisang's renewed insistence as to being fine snaps him out of it, and he keeps his grip on the other's wrists.

This is... unexpected, and he is honestly not sure Huaisang will answer any of his questions if he - she? - had clearly worked so hard to keep this from him, but at the moment, it doesn't matter.

"You are not fine."

But the cloth was clearly not concealing another injury for him to be concerned about, so he neatly rearranges the robes to cover Huaisang's upper chest and focuses his attention on the gashes on his abdomen. He traces a healing talisman in the air above them, pouring some of his spiritual energy into it to help ease Huaisang's pain.

"You are still A-Sang, are you not? You should know I could never sit by while you are in pain."

The tips of his ears are red, despite his firm words and his outwardly calm manner, and he keeps his gaze firmly on Huaisang's stomach.

Huaisang gives up because there's no way he's going to get his wrists free until Xichen decides to let him go. But at least... at least he covers him back up. Huaisang is lucky that his breasts weren't as large as some but they were still a handful, a handful that he had to bind securely to keep hidden. He'd managed to do so for so long and now...

He stays silent a bit sullen as the other works and the pain starts to get better as the other is caring for him. Xichen of course must be so good about it but Huaisang can't help but feel anxiety curling in his stomach. What is he really thinking? Would he tell anyone? Huaisang blinks rapidly trying to ward off the tears he'd always cried too easily.

Even as he tries to avoid all of this he does notice the redness of the other's ears and he doesn't know what to do with that, it's so rare to see any sign of being flustered at all. He'd seen it before plenty of times but... he didn't know how to handle any of this.

"Please don't tell anyone, er ge," he whispers.

Oh. Oh no, he can hear the sounds of Huaisang trying to fight off tears, and Lan Xichen - he has always been so soft for Huaisang, and nothing could ever change that. Not even this, whatever secret this is that the other has kept from him.

He swallows against the sudden surge of conflicting emotion in his chest, finally looking back up at Huaisang.

"Do you think so little of me?" he asks, his voice equally quiet. "A-Sang, I may not understand why you've chosen to hide this all these years, but do you truly think I would tell anyone when it is clearly so important to you?"

"No!" Huaisang protests quickly. Of course he could never think little of Xichen at all. He swallows and it's just... being discovered even by Xichen is overwhelming and terrifying -- maybe especially because it's Xichen and he cared so much what the other thought.

"I'm sorry," he is crying and he hates himself for it and he keeps his head turned because his hands still aren't free to wipe at his face furiously.

He immediately lets go when Huaisang apologizes, though mostly so he can reach up to wipe the tears with the sleeve of his robe while still channeling healing energy with his other hand.

"No," he says, swallowing again. "No, no apologies are needed. I might wish to know everything about you, but that does not mean you are obligated to oblige me."

He can only imagine how hard Huaisang must have had to work to keep this a secret for so long - and how devastating it must feel to have it ripped out into the open. As confused and mildly hurt as Lan Xichen might be, he is not entitled to all of Huaisang's secrets.

Huaisang doesn't push the other away as he wipes at his tears. He tries to keep anymore from falling and inhales shakily. He doesn't know what to do in this situation. This is something that was never supposed to happen after all. For all the other secrets he's kept this one is the longest one, the one that's closest to himself.

"Don't look at me differently," he murmurs finally. It's hard to know what to say.

"Never." It's out before he even thinks about it. He doesn't know what to think about any of this, but he does know that even if he manages to make sense of this and it gives him a new understanding of Huaisang - it could not make him look at him differently. This is, apparently, something that has been for as long as Lan Xichen had known Huaisang, which means that it is not something that could change him.

The healing talisman and his sharing of energy seems to have helped enough to stabilize him, though, so Lan Xichen cuts it off and pulls his hand back. He shrugs out of his overcoat, draping it over Huaisang and tugging it closed. His touch is very careful not to linger, now.

"Here is no place for me to ask you the questions I am not even sure how to put into words. But after we get you back, and settled, I would like to ask." He looks back up from the coat. "You can refuse me. Whatever your answers are, I will respect them."

Huaisang is grateful for the other's overcoat. It would keep any chance of accidental exposure at a minimum at least when they make their way back. His stomach is still in knots and it's hard to process that the secret he'd been able to keep so long had finally been uncovered.

"I will give you what answers I can," Huaisang says softly even if the thought scares him. He knows that he can trust Xichen even if he's afraid to trust him with this.

The relief that Lan Xichen feels when Huaisang doesn't immediately shut him out overwhelms the fact that he has no idea where to begin asking questions, for the moment. He nods, settling his overcoat a little more securely before he starts heading back.

"Will you allow me to tend to you, or is there someone you would prefer I call for?"

There must be at least a few people who know, he realizes. Trusted servants, probably, and if Huaisang would perfer, Lan Xichen would be happy to go get them.

But he selfishly hopes that Huaisang will allow him this, allow him to tend the injuries he couldn't protect him from getting. Even with how complicated the reveal of this secret makes things.

Huaisang’s first instinct is to call for his servants but Lan Xichen already knows, doesn't he? It’s not as if there is anything left to hide but it does make Huaisang nervous and unsettled even if he can trust the other. So, he decides it might as well be Xichen that tends to him. The other wants to ask questions after all. Huaisang exhales shakily, unable to completely mask his mental state. It’s only Xichen…

His fan and held tightly in one hand as the other is holding onto the robe.

“You can do it,” he finally says, voice low.

There's an echo of that shaky exhale when Huaisang says that he can do it, and he gives him a firm nod.

He has to resist the urge to slide his arm around Huaisang's shoulders and hold him protectively close as they walk. It is what he would have done before, without hesitation, just in case there was another attack - but he is not entirely sure Huaisang wants to be touched right now.

And, if he is honest, he is not sure if such a touch would have different connotations, now that he - well. He doesn't know anything, but he hopes to.

It's quick work to request medicinal supplies be sent to the rooms Huaisang is staying in when they get back, to give a brief explanation and a promise of a further report after their injuries are seen to. Once they're alone again, Lan Xichen pulls a few breaths in and out before he looks at Huaisang.

"I can look away for a moment, if you want to rewrap yourself. Only - may I see your back before you do, to ensure there are no injuries there?"

Huaisang certainly needed at least a little bit of time to himself, even if beside the other. Being touched wouldn't give him any chance to calm his mind or the anxiety twisting in his stomach and chest either. He's silent as they make it back to his rooms and even once they're there he takes his time before speaking.

"You can look," he says quietly after a long moment before hand. He starts to remove Xichen's robe and then his own clothes that are in tatters. He doesn't quite look at Xichen as he does this, letting the robes fall. He removes the binding as well and keeps that in his hands instead of dropping it down.

This is the first time someone that was not his brother, not trusted servants and the like that had ever seen him, seen the secret he's hidden the longest.

It's a fine balance between giving Huaisang the space he needs and the time to process this, and behaving no different than he normally would. When it comes to tending injuries, he would be gentle, but firm and insistent - and yet he finds himself hesitant, just a little.

Still, when Huaisang says he can look, he looks. He doesn't let his gaze linger, but he doesn't let it shy away, either. He purposefully focuses on the injuries, and lets everything else matter less than making sure Huaisang is okay. Lan Xichen moves closer, circling around behind him to get a better look.

He gently sweeps Huaisang's hair to the side to look over his back - some faint marks that will probably be bruises, likely from the ferocity of the creature's attack, but nothing like the gashes on his front. Satisfied, he moves back over to the supplies brought, pulling out what he suspects he'll need and dipping a cloth into warm water.

"Are you -" he starts, and then huffs out a soft laugh at himself, shaking his head. This is Huaisang. He said he would not look at him differently, and he means it. "A-Sang, if I say something incorrect, please forgive me, and correct my faulty assumption. I hardly know what to say, except to just ask. I have always believed you to be a man - am I still correct?"

Huaisang sucks in a breath as the other moves his hair and he understands the practicality of it but there's a tingly feeling where the other's fingers brush his skin in the process and he could almost laugh at it. Foolish. He bites down on his lip until the other moves around again and once more he's trying to school how off balance he is out of his expression.

He tilts his head as he looks at the other briefly. It's strange to see Xichen off balance as well. It's such a rare thing for even a little bit of flustered to appear. He can appreciate it.

There's a slight tenseness at the start and stop of a question and then the laugh even though he does know better. He curls his fingers into his palms and lets the press of nails against soft flesh center his mind.

"Yes... but obviously..." Huaisang works his jaw for a moment. "Obviously that is all in my head," he murmurs. This sort of thing is rare and even he hasn't completely wrapped his mind around it only to know how he saw himself, the struggles with what felt wrong when he looked at himself, that felt wrong even when he was very young.

He cannot remember the last time he felt this awkward at all, let alone around Huaisang. Possibly when they were teenagers, and there was the time when he noticed Huaisang far more than he should have, with his best friend's younger brother, but he got that under control long ago.

They're both off balance now, it seems, and he hardly knows what to make of it. There's a surge of guilt when he notices the way Huaisang tenses, the way his hands clench - and with Huaisang's response, suddenly he finds that he doesn't need to know the answers to the other questions he had. He doesn't need to know why, or how long, or anything other than that this is Huaisang.

He pulls in a breath and lets it out. Huaisang is the most important thing, here, and all that matters is making sure he feels supported.

"I could recite a multitude of literature around what it is to be a man, the virtues that one must exemplify, but none of them matter. None of them matter, because they are not you."

He reaches out to take Huaisang's hands in his, eyes earnest as they focus on Huaisang's.

"Your mind and your heart are the best parts of you, A-Sang. If they say that you are a man, then let no one else disagree."

Huaisang isn't sure what he expects from Xichen's reaction but the other does surprise him. Maybe he expected recitations. That wouldn't be completely out of the norm for Xichen after all but... the way the other took his hands instead and even if Huaisang isn't looking at him he can feel the weight of his eyes until he does meet them.

"You know none of that would matter if this got out," Huaisang says quietly and he's still exposed and self conscious and there is some pain that's starting to become more insistent. He slowly draws his hands away.

"How can you look at me and say it?"

Because Huaisang knew even his brother had thought him a little mad but he had indulged this one thing with Huaisang.

No, none of that would matter, and Lan Xichen inclines his head in acknowledgement. Lan Xichen hardly understands it himself - it is only because it is Huaisang, and there is very little that he would not support him in, that he is so firm in his own conviction. He can't understand what it is like, to have been born in one gender and know in his head and his heart that he is another - but he can understand being born in an assigned role with a mountain of expectations, and feeling like you cannot measure up to them.

He doesn't make the comparison, because it is so far from the same thing that it feels insulting to even think it, but - he knows Huaisang. He knows how clever he is, how creative he is, he knows where Huaisang's passions lie and where they do not, and how it likely would have been simpler to pursue them were he not the only male heir to the Nie sect. Huaisang is... he is Huaisang, he is not mad or confused or anything else, not if this is how he has always been.

His grip tightens on Huaisang's briefly, when he starts pulling his hands away, but he lets them go.

"How can I know you and not say it?"

He goes back to the supplies, moving them over to place them beside the bed.

"Will you lay down for me?"

Huaisang lifted a shoulder helplessly. He doesn't know. He'd never expected this sort of reaction in his head he had built up the walls for if someone found out they would surely be disgusted with him and think him crazy or worse. He watches as the other gathers things up and his arms wrapped around himself.

But when he's asked to lay down he moves quietly to do so, his heart racing and he's flushed and he curses himself for. This certainly isn't how he'd always imagined being asked to get into a bed for Xichen.

He quickly shoves the thought away and closes his eyes with a heavy sigh.

It's a reasonable expectation, all things considered. Were it anyone else, that probably would be the reaction. But even if Lan Xichen doesn't understand it, he would never dismiss something so clearly important to someone. Especially not when that someone is Huaisang.

There's a rough swallow when he sees Huaisang's flush, and for a brief moment, imagines having said those words in another context. But he cuts that off, a little angry with himself. He had never intended on telling Huaisang about his feelings for him, and thinking about it now, when the other is already so vulnerable, is completely inappropriate.

He carefully peels Huaisang's tattered clothes and his own overcoat back from his chest and stomach. He'd remove them entirely, but he isn't sure how comfortable Huaisang would be with Lan Xichen stripping him bare right now - and he is going to have to push his pants down as well, at some point, to clean and bandage the gashes there.

For now he wrings out the cloth and gently begins wiping the dirt and blood from around his injuries. Despite his care, his hands still brush against Huaisang's breasts during his movements, and the tips of his ears go a little red.

"Please tell me if you're uncomfortable," he murmurs.

There's a point where he does just push the clothes off completely, leaving just the trousers. He's flushing again as the other starts to clean him, the touches gentle but they... fluster him and probably not in the way that the other's expecting. Each brush of the other's hands against his breasts as warmth shooting between his legs. He's never been able to help how sensitive the flesh was. The nipples were growing hard and taunt and he could blame it on the cool air but he knew better. How embarrassing is this? The other is merely cleaning his wounds and Huaisang is getting aroused. He curses himself inwardly and notes the way the other's ears are going somewhat red as well. He has to bite back a small smile at that.

"No," he answers with a slight waver in his voice but it's true. It should make him uncomfortable but maybe it's the way the other had accepted Huaisang's identity had not argued it and had simply accepted that he's still a man that allows him to be comfortable if not still embarrassed. Just now, he's embarrassed and aroused and god, please do not notice Xichen.

Re: you know what this is

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