They had been courting for a long time now. Jin Ling had been hiding a secret from Sizhui for even longer and it is coming to haunt him. There's only so many times you can rebuff your lover, distract them with your hand and your mouth and keep theirs pressed away from the part of you that isn't what they'll be expecting. It's exhausting and the growing fear of being caught before he's honest...
Maybe he should break things off. That would be fairer right? He knows Sizhui's preferences, what he likes and he shouldn't have let it go on this long -- but Jin Ling didn't want to lose him.
It's more than just some casual thing between friends even if he hasn't said the words even to himself.
"Sizhui, stop," Jin Ling breathes out heavily as the other presses him back against the floor, feeling the weight of the other over him and their hips so close but Jin Ling is focused on keeping them from pressing too close together no matter how his core aches for the contact.
Sizhui's already-heavy breathing becomes labored, but he stills, closing his eyes for a moment. Why can't he just. Control himself. Restrain himself. Like he should? Jin Ling has done this enough times that Sizhui should know.
This is not what Jin Ling wants.
A moment, and Sizhui pushes himself back from the wall, bowing his head. Managing a smile, though he keeps his eyes down to hide the hurt. It's not fair to put that on Jin Ling. To put his own desires on the younger man. To even with a look accuse him - because it is Jin Ling's choice. It's right that he makes it known.
All of that just. Doesn't make it not hurt.
"Of course. I'm sorry - I got carried away. I am better than this, and I can do better, I promise. More respectful. I can do better."
Jin Ling hates that moment he watches the other blame himself, it's not Sizhui's fault. None of this is Sizhui's fault and he's not doing anything wrong and he doesn't know how much Jin Ling wants him, needs him. He bites down on his bottom lip as the other pulls away, knowing there's hurt in the other's expression. Jin Ling's hands curled into fists for a moment and he aches to pull him back.
"Sizhui... There's...You didn't do anything wrong."
Jin Ling swallows hard and he can't stand continuing to let the other blame himself and so if he has to lose him he...he'll just have to lose him.
"There's something I haven't told you."
Jin Ling bites his lip and he moves closer to the other taking his hand and guiding it between his legs. It's easier to let him feel than to say the words out loud.
Sizhui shakes his head slightly. Trying this again and again, making Jin Ling have to turn him down - how is that not doing anything wrong? But before he can point that out, Jin Ling is taking his hand and putting it--
there...
Even as it approaches, Sizhui's cheeks darken a little into a blush... and then.
His eyelashes flutter in surprise, eyebrows going up. He takes a deep breath, a moment to process - but he doesn't pull his hand away like he's touching something wrong.
Though he does shift it a little, to rest it at the inside of Jin Ling's thigh, if only to not make it difficult by applying pressure right there. Difficult or distracting. One of those things.
"A-Ling... will you... tell me what it means? For you?" Soft, and gentle. He knows this is something he can't understand without help, but he - he needs to understand. Even if it's not all right now.
Jin Ling's heart is racing and he's embarrassed and terrified and a little relieved when the other's hand doesn't immediately jerk away like the other is disgusted but still moves to his thigh. His stomach is in knots. He couldn't blame Sizhui if he hated him or got angry. Jin Ling had been lying to him since they'd met.
"I..." Jin Ling tries to start and expressing himself, his feelings had never been a strong suit. He looks to the side and he's not even sure how to answer the question.
He stutters a few more false starts and gets frustrated, tears welling in his eyes. He'd never actually thought through what the best way to talk about it would be if he ever told Sizhui.
"I was born like this," he says softly, finally. "But I knew I wasn't a girl," he feels the urge to run away. "I mean my body is but... I'm not," he knows he's probably not making any sense. "I'm sorry I never told you and I lied to you...and I know you're interested in guys and I'm not...normal."
Now it's hard to shut up. "I'm sorry. I don't want to lose you so I kept it a secret because I didn't want to disgust you but I just keep hurting you pushing you away when that's the last thing I want to do. A-Yuan...don't hate me."
"Oh, A-Ling." This time, Sizhui's hand does leave the general area, but only because both of his arms wrap around Jin Ling and holds...
... him. Holds him, close and tight. Okay, he can feel the other part of it, too, pressing him close, like this.
"That explains part of why you don't like people touching you very much, too. And of course I won't hate you." Deep breath. "It might take me a bit of time to sort out what it means, but this much I know now - I don't hate you, and it's - it's all right. You're not a girl, you're Jin Ling."
Beat. "I can ask Jingyi to not call you young mistress anymore?"
Distracted? Distracted. But Sizhui's mind is trying to think fifteen thoughts at once, and he takes a deep breath to try to focus.
"I think I care too much about you for... whether you're a girl or a guy to make a difference. But - you're a guy." Not normal, perhaps, but - Sizhui has never questioned it, and isn't going to start now.
"It..." Deep breath. "There is something I haven't told you, or almost anyone, really. Which might make you hate me, though." Another deep breath. "Sorry. I'm - I'm Lan by adoption." And by raising, and by disposition. But. His arms loosen in case Jin Ling does choose to move away from him. "By blood, I'm a Wen."
It's only fair to clear the air. And if they both have something to think about, that means that it won't be a case of Jin Ling panicking until Sizhui sorts himself out?
Jin Ling does feel the tears prick more and some fall when he's wrapped in Sizhui's arms and he tries to blink it away quickly as he holds the other back and he lets out a shaky breath knowing that Sizhui can feel everything and that is terrifying a little -- a lot. He relaxes a little at the confirmation that he's not hated, that the other isn't totally disgusted with him.
"No... It's alright that he does," Jin Ling says, shaking his head. He is still holding close to Sizhui, kind of afraid to let him go as the other keeps talking and he's reassured again, it means more than he could ever express that the other is accepting of him.
He pulls back just a little bit so he could look at the other, confused. There's nothing in the world that could make him hate Sizhui. Even when the other confesses it surprises him. But Sizhui is nothing like the Wens he'd heard of...except maybe he does have some things in common with Wen Ning -- but Jin Ling had come to accept Wen Ning, the other had earned respect.
Sizhui does mean it when he says that he will need to sort himself out, but he also means every word that he is saying. He has no disgust nor hesitation about the facts that he's listed.
Nor this one, which he gives with the smile that Jin Ling's response brought in his eyes.
"And you're Jin Ling." Small nod. "So we both have things to learn about each other, and to figure out. But - your body, while attractive, isn't everything about you that I like? So it's not quite like what I expected or might have imagined. But - it was never going to be exactly like those anyway?
Jin Ling smiles a little and maybe he should have given Sizhui more credit than he had but then again his fears had more to do with himself than with Sizhui's character. It's a relief to have the truth out there to someone that matters so much.
And the reassurance makes Sizhui breathe more easily, too. He hugs a little tighter for a moment, then kind of. Tilts his head towards one of the seats.
"Let's sit down and settle a little? I really do need a bit of time to sort things out in my head, but I'd like to do so while close to you, if that's all right?"
Jin Ling nods and he lets himself enjoy the way the other tightened his
arms around him. He didn’t want him to let go but he lets the other so they
can go sit.
“Okay,” Jin Ling murmurs, not even sure how he feels or what he thinks. He
knows he doesn’t want to be far away from the other.
Jin Ling leans into Sizhui once the other's arm wraps around his waist and it seems like a safe thing for him to do at least. The other isn't trying to put distance between them after all. He chews at his bottom lip at the question.
"It's not always the same. Somedays my body doesn't really bother me, it...like it doesn't define who I am," Jin Ling's voice is soft. There's very few times he's spoken about things like this and he feels raw and vulnerable opening up to Sizhui about it.
"And then somedays I can't stand any of it, the things that feel like the don't belong," he makes a quick motion to his chest and then toward his lap.
Sizhui doesn't have a need to put distance between them for this, but he would without second thought if he thought it would make things easier for Jin Ling. But he knows it won't.
A nod, and a thoughtful hum as he listens. "It, um. If you tell me it is one of those days, I can avoid drawing attention to - the things that feel like they don't belong."
It's the best he can come up with. But he thinks he can figure out ways.
Sizhui shakes his head, not hesitating, arm tightening a little more.
"I'm not. I am not disgusted. I little confused because such a thing had not occurred to me so I do not know what all of it means, but. At a guess you are also figuring it out. So we can do that together."
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Sizhui
Maybe he should break things off. That would be fairer right? He knows Sizhui's preferences, what he likes and he shouldn't have let it go on this long -- but Jin Ling didn't want to lose him.
It's more than just some casual thing between friends even if he hasn't said the words even to himself.
"Sizhui, stop," Jin Ling breathes out heavily as the other presses him back against the floor, feeling the weight of the other over him and their hips so close but Jin Ling is focused on keeping them from pressing too close together no matter how his core aches for the contact.
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This is not what Jin Ling wants.
A moment, and Sizhui pushes himself back from the wall, bowing his head. Managing a smile, though he keeps his eyes down to hide the hurt. It's not fair to put that on Jin Ling. To put his own desires on the younger man. To even with a look accuse him - because it is Jin Ling's choice. It's right that he makes it known.
All of that just. Doesn't make it not hurt.
"Of course. I'm sorry - I got carried away. I am better than this, and I can do better, I promise. More respectful. I can do better."
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"Sizhui... There's...You didn't do anything wrong."
Jin Ling swallows hard and he can't stand continuing to let the other blame himself and so if he has to lose him he...he'll just have to lose him.
"There's something I haven't told you."
Jin Ling bites his lip and he moves closer to the other taking his hand and guiding it between his legs. It's easier to let him feel than to say the words out loud.
"It's not your fault. It's my fault."
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there...
Even as it approaches, Sizhui's cheeks darken a little into a blush... and then.
His eyelashes flutter in surprise, eyebrows going up. He takes a deep breath, a moment to process - but he doesn't pull his hand away like he's touching something wrong.
Though he does shift it a little, to rest it at the inside of Jin Ling's thigh, if only to not make it difficult by applying pressure right there. Difficult or distracting. One of those things.
"A-Ling... will you... tell me what it means? For you?" Soft, and gentle. He knows this is something he can't understand without help, but he - he needs to understand. Even if it's not all right now.
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"I..." Jin Ling tries to start and expressing himself, his feelings had never been a strong suit. He looks to the side and he's not even sure how to answer the question.
He stutters a few more false starts and gets frustrated, tears welling in his eyes. He'd never actually thought through what the best way to talk about it would be if he ever told Sizhui.
"I was born like this," he says softly, finally. "But I knew I wasn't a girl," he feels the urge to run away. "I mean my body is but... I'm not," he knows he's probably not making any sense. "I'm sorry I never told you and I lied to you...and I know you're interested in guys and I'm not...normal."
Now it's hard to shut up. "I'm sorry. I don't want to lose you so I kept it a secret because I didn't want to disgust you but I just keep hurting you pushing you away when that's the last thing I want to do. A-Yuan...don't hate me."
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... him. Holds him, close and tight. Okay, he can feel the other part of it, too, pressing him close, like this.
"That explains part of why you don't like people touching you very much, too. And of course I won't hate you." Deep breath. "It might take me a bit of time to sort out what it means, but this much I know now - I don't hate you, and it's - it's all right. You're not a girl, you're Jin Ling."
Beat. "I can ask Jingyi to not call you young mistress anymore?"
Distracted? Distracted. But Sizhui's mind is trying to think fifteen thoughts at once, and he takes a deep breath to try to focus.
"I think I care too much about you for... whether you're a girl or a guy to make a difference. But - you're a guy." Not normal, perhaps, but - Sizhui has never questioned it, and isn't going to start now.
"It..." Deep breath. "There is something I haven't told you, or almost anyone, really. Which might make you hate me, though." Another deep breath. "Sorry. I'm - I'm Lan by adoption." And by raising, and by disposition. But. His arms loosen in case Jin Ling does choose to move away from him. "By blood, I'm a Wen."
It's only fair to clear the air. And if they both have something to think about, that means that it won't be a case of Jin Ling panicking until Sizhui sorts himself out?
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"No... It's alright that he does," Jin Ling says, shaking his head. He is still holding close to Sizhui, kind of afraid to let him go as the other keeps talking and he's reassured again, it means more than he could ever express that the other is accepting of him.
He pulls back just a little bit so he could look at the other, confused. There's nothing in the world that could make him hate Sizhui. Even when the other confesses it surprises him. But Sizhui is nothing like the Wens he'd heard of...except maybe he does have some things in common with Wen Ning -- but Jin Ling had come to accept Wen Ning, the other had earned respect.
"You're Lan Sizhui."
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Nor this one, which he gives with the smile that Jin Ling's response brought in his eyes.
"And you're Jin Ling." Small nod. "So we both have things to learn about each other, and to figure out. But - your body, while attractive, isn't everything about you that I like? So it's not quite like what I expected or might have imagined. But - it was never going to be exactly like those anyway?
"So we figure it out. Yes?"
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"We'll figure it out," Jin Ling agrees.
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"Let's sit down and settle a little? I really do need a bit of time to sort things out in my head, but I'd like to do so while close to you, if that's all right?"
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Jin Ling nods and he lets himself enjoy the way the other tightened his arms around him. He didn’t want him to let go but he lets the other so they can go sit.
“Okay,” Jin Ling murmurs, not even sure how he feels or what he thinks. He knows he doesn’t want to be far away from the other.
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It doesn't take long before he murmurs the first questions.
"So, it... your body isn't the way you need to be, yes? Which parts of that are difficult, and which aren't that bad?"
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"It's not always the same. Somedays my body doesn't really bother me, it...like it doesn't define who I am," Jin Ling's voice is soft. There's very few times he's spoken about things like this and he feels raw and vulnerable opening up to Sizhui about it.
"And then somedays I can't stand any of it, the things that feel like the don't belong," he makes a quick motion to his chest and then toward his lap.
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A nod, and a thoughtful hum as he listens. "It, um. If you tell me it is one of those days, I can avoid drawing attention to - the things that feel like they don't belong."
It's the best he can come up with. But he thinks he can figure out ways.
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"When I've pushed you away... it wasn't that usually. I just... was scared of you finding out and being disgusted by me."
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"I'm not. I am not disgusted. I little confused because such a thing had not occurred to me so I do not know what all of it means, but. At a guess you are also figuring it out. So we can do that together."
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Jin Ling bites at his bottom lip nervously even though the other is giving him words that should reassure him.
“How can you be sure? You’ve never touched... or ,” Jin Ling gestures aimlessly with his free hand. “What if you do and you don’t like it?”
But he does nod... “I’ve been trying to figure it all out for years.”