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1. she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here"
2. just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
3. You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
4. they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
2. just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
3. You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
4. they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
1. He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
2. But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
3. don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning! You made a huge mess.
4. THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
2. But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
3. don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning! You made a huge mess.
4. THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
1. Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
2. I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
3. Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
4. His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
2. I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
3. Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
4. His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
1. You drink too much
2. just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
3. well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
4. I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
5. Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
6. my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
2. just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
3. well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
4. I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
5. Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
6. my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
1. Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked. I like him
2. what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
3. I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
4. you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
2. what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
3. I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
4. you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
1. It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
2. could you please explain to me why jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
3. did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
4. i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties
2. could you please explain to me why jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
3. did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
4. i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties
1. You’re an asshole
2. I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
3. Why would you put one of my chickens in my house?
2. I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
3. Why would you put one of my chickens in my house?
1. around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
2. he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
3. Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
4. The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
5. You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
6. I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
2. he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
3. Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
4. The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
5. You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
6. I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
1. I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
2. Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
3. Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
4. Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
5. I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
2. Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
3. Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
4. Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
5. I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
1. Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
2. He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
3. Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
4. When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
2. He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
3. Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
4. When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
1. so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
2. I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
3. That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
4. I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
5. I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
6. Your life is quite full of dick lately.
2. I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
3. That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
4. I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
5. I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
6. Your life is quite full of dick lately.
1. dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
2. we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
3. You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
4. One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
5. your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
2. we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
3. You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
4. One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
5. your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Edited 2024-09-06 18:07 (UTC)
1. i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
2. You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
3. Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
4. they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
2. You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
3. Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
4. they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
1. New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
2. i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
3. 'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. Xx
4. Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
5. I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
2. i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
3. 'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. Xx
4. Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
5. I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
Edited 2024-09-06 18:12 (UTC)
1. Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
2. i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
3. If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king
4. When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
5. I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
2. i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
3. If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king
4. When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
5. I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
1. Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
2. Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
3. If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
4. Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
5. But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
2. Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
3. If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
4. Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
5. But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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